I have recently found myself thinking about space. Specifically, the bit near the Earth which, admittedly, is a very small part of space but still pretty huge in comparison to, say, a walnut.
I have the brain capacity to hold the mental image of a walnut in my head with ease. Sometimes. On a sunny day. With a good tailwind.
Outer space, on the other hand, is a lot more complex than a walnut. Who knew?
I try and hold that mental image in my head and it leaks out all over the place and makes a mess on the carpets.
There’s a similar result when I try to think about internal space. I’ve recently given up trying to think about that. It hurts my head too much.
Like, when you have an organ removed, what happens to the space it once inhabited? After I had my gall bladder removed a couple of years ago, this question stuck in my mind for a while.
Do the other wibbly bits nearby stretch out and fill the vacated space. Does your spleen stretch its gastrosplenic and splenorenal ligaments out with a yawn and a sigh?
Does one of your kidneys groan and straighten out completely while saying,
“Thank fuck for that, I’ve been curled up for ages! I think I got a cramp in my transversalis fascia!”
…before flipping the bird at its sibling and spending the rest of its life taking the piss, wiggling what would be its toes if it had toes, and mockingly moaning about having ‘too much room’?
By the way. Is a kidney still a kidney if it’s not kidney shaped?
Does it become a nidkey?
Does it get mocked by its peers at the high school reunion?
“Ha ha ha! Have you seen Trevor? Gone and got himself all straightened out, hasn’t he! Looks like a right twat. It’s even funnier ‘cos he’s a left nidkey”
Does it have to go away and found some kind of social activist group and march (or, more accurately, wibble-roll) on parliament for equal rights for all kidneys, curly, straight or otherwise?
Kinda all depends on what came first, I guess. Was there a shape known as ‘kidney’ before the discovery of internal organs.
You know. Way back when, some guy fell off a cliff chasing mammoth and burst on the rocks below. When his mates went to look they saw all his internal wiggly bits and someone spotted that thing that was not called anything, but we now call a kidney, and said;
“Ug, ooh. Sprog’s gooey bits all over rocks. Dis one look shaped as kidney!”
Or….
Does being ‘kidney shaped; come from the shape of an actual kidney?
Probably that one.
I could go and find out quite easily. Do some research and ascertain exactly which one of those is true. But I’m not going to. Screw you. Find out for yourselves if you’re that interested. I’m not here to satisfy your curiosity outside of that weird growth I have on my hairy, gibbon-like ass.
If you want to see that, get yourself to Australia and I then would be happy to show you. But only if you bring some prawn cocktail Skips and Wispa Golds with you ‘cos you can’t get them here!
Kidneys are kidney shaped and I don’t care why.
Similarly, if you have an awesome thought one day, but then something happens to distract you just as you are delving deeper into it, what happens to the space that thought inhabited?
For example: a thought process starts but then you stand on a Lego brick casually discarded ‘en transit’ by a wandering Venezuelan, semi-professional, long-distance infant uni-cyclist on a pilgrimage to witness the ‘Launching of the Penguins’ festival in Northern Norway.
Or you unintentionally think about custard.
(I find those two things carry approximately the same severity and happen with the same regularity. Is it just me?)
So, you forget that awesome original thought immediately and yell either;
“God damn Venezuelan uni-cyclists!!”
Or,
“Mmmm, custard.”
Depending on the event, obviously.
I once had an amazing thought and, just as I was getting into it, found myself distracted and yelling:
“For fuck’s sake, Nigel, it’s too spiky for the flange bracket. Get it the fuck out before the cobbles make the fringe catch fire and the squidge-o-meter throws a wobbly and shits all over the ancient Greek tapestry analyser!”
As a result, I totally lost the idea of somehow creating unlimited, ecologically safe electricity from cabbages and a used biro with ‘Welcome to Scunthorpe’ written on the barrel.
That would have saved the planet and made me rich or something and now I have no idea what I was thinking.
Trust me, Nigel has never heard the end of it.
He loved the book and the movie, so he went out and bought the audiobook, narrated by Andy Crane and Wilhemima Spoon, but every time he tries to listen to it, something quirky happens that stops him getting to the last half hour.
It is quite lucky for me because he has yet to find out I recorded over the last thirty minutes with the soundtrack of ‘The Lost Boys’.
The fact that those ‘quirky things’ that prevent Nigel finishing his audiobook usually involve me, Nigel’s head and something either heavy, gooey, sticky or all three being thrown is totally coincidental.
So, when you have a thought, and lose that thought, through whatever reason, do you get a space in your brain? Not a huge one, obviously, brains ain’t that big, but a space nonetheless?
Do other thoughts capitalise on that sudden run-time vacancy like organs possibly maybe do?
Do weird thoughts that you have no intention of thinking at that moment, or perhaps ever, slip into that empty space and take over your current, conscious, train of thought.
One minute you’re contemplating being the saviour of mankind by creating limitless, free, clean energy using brassica and biros, then some unintentional custard jumps into your mind from nowhere and suddenly you’re thinking about building a bomb and ‘sploding the factory that makes Crocs.
Again.
Even after Dr. Splinkenmeir told you that those sort of thoughts are unhealthy and counterproductive and that you should really get a hobby, something active and outdoors, and stop focussing so much on weird, rubber shoes.
So yeah. Internal space. It’s just easier not to think about it.
External space, like Captain Kirk and those lads kinda space, is what I’m talking about now.
I think we all really should get some new words for space. Space means so many different things and it’s very confusing. Especially to me. I sometimes think it’s deliberate.
Outer Space?
Is that a term everyone just sort of gets?
But what area of space, specifically, does that apply to?
Our solar system? The arm of the Milky Way we are in? Our galaxy? The ‘Local Group’? Or all the massive everything that’s out there?
Can we have ‘outer space’ and then just random designations that can still be comprehended by the tiny human brain?
Earth is your house.
Outer space is outside your house but in your garden.
T’other side o’fence space.
Down t’road space.
Papershop next t’ pub space.
Supermarket int’town space.
Next-town-ovver space.
Other end ot’country space.
Abroad Space.
Antipodal space.
I guess that system breaks down there. There’s nowhere else to go except into space and I think that would just compound the problem.
Outer space space.
T’other side o’fence space space.
See what I mean?
Whatever, it works for me.
So, outer space.
I have no idea what set my damaged brain off down this avenue of thought regarding (outer) space, but there I was having made the journey with no real memories of how I got there.
So, like any other day really.
It was a simple thought that linked itself up to some knowledge already buried somewhere in my noggin. The rogue thought assimilated that knowledge and presented itself to my consciousness with arrogance and said,
“Yeah, well. You can sit there thinking about custard as much as you like, but what about this…”
That thought led me down a metaphorical avenue of contemplation. It was a gently meandering metaphorical path through a similarly metaphorical meadow populated with cheery, little metaphorical butterflies and those weird insects that look like they might bite, but don’t.
They know they look like they might bite though, and they have the attitude that goes along with that. They buzz right at your face making you think of old 70’s movies about killer swarms of insects before swerving away at the last moment chuckling under their wings.
(Whatever happened to those movies about bugs? They were all the rage at one point and now all everyone seems to care about is twinkly vampires and ever more obscure superheroes like ‘Anxiety Man’ and ‘Day Old Donut Non-Binary Person’.)
So, happy that the worst that could happen was being almost but not quite dive-bombed to death by insects and a little P.T.S.D. about weird, old movies, I continued down that metaphorical path.
I had nothing else to do at the time. My brain was ticking along in neutral, and nothing was currently, or about to be, on fire.
Now, I must point out at this juncture, that I am not usually a fan of conspiracy theories and the like. It all just tends to be a little unbelievable to me.
They seem, for the most part, to be generally backed up by evidence such as a video someone once saw on YouTube, what some bloke down the pub said or ‘personal research’.
Yeah.
‘Personal Research’.
How this is done is by opening a web browser and typing into a search engine: ‘evidence for that things what I already done believe’.
The internet, the current source of all knowledge for humans, has not done us any favours when it comes to truth and research.
Before the internet people had to read, you know, actual books to find information. And the thing about using books to perform research is, it’s quite difficult to take a tiny sentence or paragraph out of a book and only concentrate on those few words, taking their meaning completely out of context.
As opposed to research performed on the internet which is the polar opposite of that. Not only is taking the information out of context possible, it’s actually more likely to happen.
For example. If you were interested in, say, the weight of cargo ships that plied the Spanish Main in the 18th Century, you would have to physically pick up a book entitled ‘Cargo Ships in the Caribbean Circa 1700-1799’ by a Mr. Alan ‘Too Interested in Historical Boats and Should Get Out More’ Thompson.
Then you would have to read that book. Probably all of it because, you know, you were interested in that subject anyway.
You would find the answers you were looking for and be able to quote that book as a reference. It would be fairly safe to assume that the author of that book had diligently performed his research using books or other documents.
Now, in that book might be a paragraph that went something like this:
‘……although the average weight of cargo ships in the Caribbean at this time is around 120 gross tons, some people suspect that, due to advances in shipbuilding technologies, it is entirely possible in the near future that we see cargo ships in the Caribbean weigh 500 gross tons or more…’
You read the book. You read that whole paragraph. You understand the information presented therein.
Along comes Google et al, and suddenly everyone has a world of information at their fingertips. So, Mr. Interested in Caribbean Shipping asks Jeeves for the answer (showing my age there huh?).
Jeeves has that information indexed. Plain text, ASCII format.
The question typed into the search engine is ‘what is the tonnage of cargo ships in the Caribbean in the 18th Century?’
The answer provided is ‘cargo ships in the Caribbean weigh 500 gross tons or more’.
See what I mean? The answer provided by the search engine is correct but also massively incorrect at the same time. We can’t blame the search engine; they are just doing what they are programmed to do to the best of their ability.
But now everyone thinks they are an expert on any subject because they have an internet connection and can use a search engine despite the fact that the information provided by those search engines can be out of context, incorrect or so wrong it’s insane.
And that’s only IF the search terms are not biased in the first place. That’s a whole other can of worms.
Computers are very, very literal.
I have many personal anecdotes that can back this up. Spending years as a computer repair bloke of sorts, I often found myself standing in front of a frustrated person who is screaming,
“It keeps doing this thing, it shouldn’t do that thing, it’s not working right!”
I can’t tell you how many times I tried to explain to people that their computer wasn’t broken, they had just done something wrong, only to receive the kind of look that should be reserved only for when someone shits in your salad bowl.
The computer just did what it was told to do, by them, the user. The computer cannot read their mind. If they knew how to use it properly, they would not have these issues. But they thought they should just be able to start using it without ever finding out how. They then told the computer to do something crazy, and it just went ahead and did something crazy.
The computer thought to its CPU,
‘Well, if I do what they just asked me to, I will delete several important system files and the next time they try to start me up, I will just pop up the old ‘blue screen of death’ because those files are important. But. They’re the boss. I’ll just do what I’m told to do.’
It’s a weird thing that seems to exist only in the world of computers. People don’t get in a car and just expect to be able to drive without training. People don’t get in a plane and think ‘this should be simple’. But they happily buy a computer, turn it on, mash at the keyboard with a ham fist and go, ‘duhh, magic box no worky, must be borked!’
Outside actual hardware failure, which is generally a simple fix, 9 out of 10 ‘broken’ computers I was asked to fix were only broken because there was an idiot giving the orders.
And the most used piece of advice I ever gave to people was RTFM: Read The Fucking Manual!
Remember those little stickers from Intel that were on Intel based computers? It was the Intel corporation’s motto. ‘Intel Inside’.
I bought a bunch of humorous replacements and used to replace the originals with the replacements surreptitiously. They said,
‘Idiot Outside’.
And to prove the point, not one person ever noticed!
Anyway, computers are very, very literal.
There’s a huge difference in the answers provided depending on how you ask the question.
For example, if you are taking about the conspiracy surrounding the assassination of President John F. Kennedy;
a) Evidence that JFK was killed by the Government/FBI/Mafia/Lizards.
b) Evidence relating to the JFK assassination.
These two terms will yield spectacularly different search results.
If you ask a question with bias, the answer received will be similarly biased.
It never fails to amaze me how so many people can conduct research from a non-zero perspective. (A phrase invented by me so you can’t use it, you plagiarising fucks!)
What I mean by that is, whenever someone is trying to find out the truth of a specific matter; honestly, logically and scientifically, then that person must start out without a fixed, pre-established opinion on the subject.
A ‘zero perspective’.
If not, all their research will tend to be biased.
People look for, find, and quote evidence that supports their opinion while discounting evidence that does not support their opinion.
This is one of the major things that annoy me about conspiracy theories and theorists.
The people who support them, the people who promote them, the people who get angry when you challenge them are all guilty of bias.
People who will point at one book and say ‘this is evidence’ while pointing at another book stating ‘this is all lies’, and the only determining factors are their own personal beliefs.
They use straw man and circular arguments but refuse to see the lack of logic in their argument as conceding any ground, or even further consideration or discussion, is just not something they are prepared to entertain.
“I’m right, and if you don’t agree with my blind belief in this, YOU are stupid. You are a sheep believing everything you are told by the government/new world order/illuminati/lizards.”
How many times have you heard this insane rhetoric? Some neckbeard tells you about a ludicrous theory he and his internet mates have come up with and when you challenge him, he accuses you of believing everything you hear/read/are told like a fool. ‘Swallowing the lies’.
Casually ignoring the fact that he has just literally done the same thing with some youtuber or a maniac on a dark and swampy reddit thread. The only difference is the subject matter. He believes the royal family are alien lizards in human suits and I believe gravity exists.
They employ what the great Stephen Fry coined ‘wallpaper words’.
They mean nothing. They just exist to deflect from the nub of the issue when there is no real evidence or data. Like wallpaper covers a bloodstain on a wall.
‘It’s obvious…;
‘It goes without saying….’
‘It’s common knowledge….’
‘Of course it’s true…’
Christianity is the perfect example of this.
I don’t care if you are Christian or not. It’s none of my business.
As long as your shit don’t mess with my shit you can shit where you want, know what I mean?
But those people will point to the Bible and say it’s evidence.
(It’s just a book.
But it was written by God.
Where’s the evidence of that?
It says so in the book.
What? But this book, by this beardy guy called Charlie Darwin, who did actually exist by the way, directly contradicts the Bible’s version of events.
That book is just a lie.
What if your book is just a lie?
It’s not, God says so.
Where?
In the book.
What? Okay, so there are all these other books, hundreds and thousands of them, all of which refute the possibility of your book being true. What about those?
All made up. All lies. They are just books. You can’t just believe everything you read.
You surely see the hypocrisy there, right?
Nope.
Okay, toodle-pip.
Exit Brad, stage left, bashing himself over the head with a baguette and gibbering.)
I find it hard to believe so many of these conspiracy theories.
To my mind there is some bizarre thing in people’s minds that make them want to believe in some unseen evil or nefarious organisation screwing with their lives, like their lives are so important. Some invisible force that is responsible for all the bad things.
These things are the modern equivalent of vampires, werewolves, witches and other things that go bump in the night.
And the people who believe these crazy theories; with venom, with anger, with snarling ferocity, are the same sort of people who burned innocent young women as witches simply because they knew that chewing willow bark can help with headaches. Witchcraft! Burn her! Burn the witch!
Like the moon landings.
What the fuck! It was all staged? Really?
“Yeah, ‘cos like, there’s a photo where you can see the reflection of a Starbucks in Neil Armstrong’s helmet, and the flag moved when it shouldn’t and…and…and….”
Argue all you like about weird anomalies in photographs and stuff. I prefer a simple approach to it.
I apologise in advance for the seriousness and fact-based bullshit that is about to happen. It’s long, boring and tedious which is probably why the theorists don’t take it on board. Can’t have some actual knowledge and research fogging their world view. Especially if it’s presented in text, requires reading and comprehension, and is not a 30 second youtube video or TikfuckingTok short.
Point 1.
The Apollo Program (which eventually led to man landing on the moon) ran from 1961-1972.
It followed on from Project Mercury (1958 – 1963) and Project Gemini (1961 – 1966).
Apollo 11 landed on the Moon in 1969. (yes, it absolutely did!)
That’s 11 years of research, hard work and many, many different missions.
From the initial inception of the idea of sending mankind to space and finding out, once and for all, if the Moon is made of Wensleydale.
To setting foot on the Moon and being massively disappointed by the fact that it’s just more dust and rocks.
11 years and a huge amount of resources, manpower and a lot of really fucking smart people.
The whole program was based on the idea of taking little steps over time to reach the final objective. There were many issues to deal with and problems to be solved and safety was always a priority.
NASA took the view that, if you’re going to send a man/woman/living thing into space, they should come back alive and not some kind of hissing, fizzing puddle of organs. As opposed to the U.S.S.R. who didn’t give one gilded fuck and boiled many of their astronauts. (R.I.P. Laika)
Basically, in 1958, the U.S.A. set out to land on the moon and then spent the next 11 years getting a little bit closer to their goal with each successive mission.
During that time, NASA launched lots of missions. All of them with a specific problem to solve, which contributed to the overall mission of landing on the moon.
“Let’s build a rocket.
Cool, that worked.
Let’s build a craft capable of transporting man to low Earth orbit.
Cool. That worked. Let’s get a ship into orbit.
Cool. That worked. Let’s get a manned craft in orbit and get someone to get out and wobble around in space.
Cool. That worked. Etc. etc.”
Each subsequent mission was based on the success or failure of the last.
For example: Apollo 10 launched in early 1969, the last mission before Neil, Buzz and Mike actually landed on the Moon (which they did).
(As an aside, regarding the crew of Apollo11. I always feel sorry for Mike Collins.
Imagine being chosen to be part of the team who were going to land on the Moon and not actually landing on the Moon!
Poor old Mike did all the intense training, stretched his brain around the unimaginable amounts of data and procedures these guys had to memorise, did all the same hard work, went all the way there, but when they arrived, he had to stay in the lunar orbiter and just watch!
Sitting in the orbiter for hours playing Mouse Trap by himself and watching Neil and Buzz cavort around in 1/6th gravity, playing golf and generally having much gits and shiggles.
Everyone knows the names of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. No fucker gives a shit about Mike Collins. Ask people who he is and they look puzzled and say, ‘doesn’t he run the butchers on the high street? You know, Dave’s brother.’
We should recognise that man, give him a massive statue or something. Mike, depicted in his astronaut gear, his head propped up on one hand, playing patience and sulking.)
Anyway, Apollo 10 settled into orbit around the Moon, did a little dance to prove it could, did everything bar actually land, then came back.
Then NASA knew it was definitely possible and ‘The Eagle’ was sent to make that last little step and touch down on what could be vast reserves of Blue Stilton (but sadly, wasn’t).
To my mind, the theorists who believe it didn’t happen have only two real options for what happened if Apollo 11 didn’t land in the Sea of Tranquillity in 1969.
a. None of it happened.
Mercury, Gemini and Apollo were all fake. There were never any real missions at all. Every bit of footage, every bit of research, every document is a lie. NASA spent 11 years just fucking around playing Tetris or something because the plan was always to fake it. Mankind has never, ever landed on the moon and every bit of proof is a lie.
The reason for the fakery is always to enable the U.S.A. to beat Russia in the ‘Space Race’. Fair enough, good reason. But if they planned to fake it all along, why not fake it in 1958 and scare the pants off the Russians?
Those wacky Russians, who by that point had only managed to get a big, strong bloke to chuck an old kettle up in the air from the top of a big hill?
b. All of it happened except Apollo 11 and the 1969 Moon Landing itself.
I accept that a possibility exists for America to have actually attempted it for real, find out it was too hard after 10 years and have their spies tell them Russia was close, then decide to fake it but…
If that were the case, why not fake the first man in space before the Russians too? Why not fake the first satellite? Why did they let the Soviets get so many wins before deciding to cheat?
Why did the U.S.A. live under the spectre of the ‘Red Menace’, with its superior rocket technology hinting at imminent nuclear destruction, for years, when the solution was right there?
And then, how does that work with the rest of the Apollo program? Apollo 12 landed on the Moon just four months after Apollo 11. Did that happen? Or they faked that too?
What about all the established, undeniable proof that man landed on the moon?
Like the laser reflecting mirrors on the lunar surface, moon rocks brought back, and hours of video footage taken on subsequent missions. Does that exist? I’m pretty sure it does.
It doesn’t take too much intelligence and technology to shine a laser at the moon and get a reflection back from the mirrors put up there for precisely that reason.
Hell, with a powerful enough telescope, you can see all the shit those guys left up there with your own eyes. The place is like a goddamn junkyard!
If Apollo 11 was faked and only Apollo 11 was faked, how the fuck did Apollo 12 land on the moon four months later?
They couldn’t do it in June; by November they had figured it all out? But in the 11 years previous they were bumbling around not knowing what the fuck they were doing? It doesn’t make much sense.
People also seem to forget that actually getting off the surface of this planet is the hard part about space exploration.
Once you are in space, without all that pesky gravity getting in the way, space travel is actually pretty easy. Getting to the moon is a piece of piss if you are already in space.
Fart in one direction and you fly off in the opposite one and don’t stop until you hit something.
The only reason we haven’t travelled much further afield or colonised the moon yet is that same pesky gravity problem and the unimaginable vastness of the Solar System, the Galaxy and the Universe.
Everything we need for space travel has to be made on Earth and shot into space on a rocket. There is a massive weight limitation, even with modern rocket technology. There’s a limit on what we can take up there which means fuel for propulsion is an issue, which in turn means speed is a big problem.
Travel is slow, to save fuel. We could easily send men to another galaxy, but by the time they got there, they would all be dusty, old skelingtons.
Should we believe, then, that all the other shit was real; a rocket powerful enough to get up there, safe, reliable launches, making orbit, E.V.A.s, docking ships together etc. but when it came to sending a craft to the Moon once it was in orbit, THAT was the hard bit?
‘We have spent ten years and billions of dollars and we can now successfully send a manned craft into orbit and bring it back to Earth safely.’
‘Awesome. So, I guess the hard bit is now sending that craft to the Moon?’
‘Not really. It’s a piece of piss compared to the rest of it. We just fire a little booster, the craft toddles off Moonward. Job’s a good ‘un.’
‘I guess it will take years for a craft to get there with only the teaspoon of fuel we can send up there?’
‘Not really, about four days there, four days back. The Moon’s quite close.’
‘Then it will be almost impossible to land on the lunar surface, yes? What with having very little fuel left to slow down?’
‘Nope. 1/6th Earth gravity on the moon, no wind, no friction, no problem. We just give the boosters a little thrust when we get close and gently touch down like a feather on a breeze.’
‘Right. Oh. Well. Fuck it. Let’s just not bother. Let’s fake it in a crappy warehouse instead and lie to everyone. That’s a much better idea.’
‘But…we already did all the hard work! This final step is relatively easy! What did we do all this for if we’re not going to land?’
‘It doesn’t matter. We’ll fake it. Scrap everything. Stanley Kubrick has agreed to direct and we’re all very excited!’
I’m not saying there is no way this is not true, but it does make the theory that the landing was fake a lot more spurious. And it was already shaky.
But. My next point has always been the decider for me and as far as I can tell, it’s pretty airtight.
Point 2.
The reason always given for the ‘hoax’ is that the U.S.A. and Russia (or, more accurately, the U.S.S.R.) were locked in the ‘Space Race’ which was tied inextricably to the Cold War.
Here follows a brief, but not brief enough, history lesson regarding the Cold War: (I’m so sorry!).
This bit is even longer and boring than the previous long and boring bit. I can completely understand if you would rather go off somewhere and watch some ducks. Possibly have a cuppa and trim your toenails? Anything but read this crap, really. It’s your choice. I won’t be offended. But it is important to know this shit to get my point.
During World War II, the U.S.A. and the Soviet Union were actually pretty good mates. We all hated Hitler and his Nazi cronies, so we all fought together. The Western Front and the Eastern Front were two separate parts of the massive murder party now known as World War II.
On the Western Front, the Brits, the French Resistance, The U.S.A. and a lot of other little Western European countries fought the Nazis along various lines of battle; France, Belgium, Denmark, Spain, Africa etc. Basically, anywhere the allies tried to gain a foothold in Mainland Europe in order to push the German’s back.
Wherever the Allies attempted to invade, Hitler was forced to send troops to defend.
We Brits were kinda safe on our little island, surrounded by a kick ass Navy and killer pike, so Hitler was content to just stop us getting to him rather than waste resources trying to invade Britain. Invading Britain was just more trouble than it was worth.
If Adolf had wanted to invade Britain, we would have been royally fucked. The Royal Navy would have been knocked out pretty quick by the Kriegsmarine, the German Navy and their huge dreadnoughts, like the Bismark and the Tirpitz.
The resulting naval blockade would have starved Britain of food and materials. No new ships, weapons or aircraft and nothing to eat.
After that, we would not have stood up to the Luftwaffe AND the Wehrmacht with a handful of battered Spitfires, a few blokes called Tarquin or Allistair flying them (with their stiff upper lips) and a relatively pathetic, little army.
But Hitler didn’t actually give a shit about Britain. He quite liked the Brits. We come from the same Germanic lineage.
You know the Anglo Saxons? That’s the Brits. At least before the Norman invasion of 1066, but even after the Normans, that Anglo Saxon blood is still there, just mixed in with Norman and Viking stuff.
The ‘Saxon’ bit in ‘Anglo Saxons’? That’s from Germany that is. The old kingdom of Saxony. In what is now Germany.
Anglo Saxon literally means ‘English Saxon’, which may as well be ‘English German’. Sounds weird but that’s the nuts and bolts of it. We’re all mongrels.
For fuck’s sake, the British Monarchy is German. Their real name is ‘Saxe-Coburg’, not ‘Windsor’. They changed it way back because it sounded ‘a bit too German’. That would be because, well, it is.
English is a Germanic language just like Norwegian, Finnish, Swedish, Dutch and many others.
The ‘Romance’ languages such as French, Italian, Spanish etc. are based on Latin. Us northern countries where everyone is whiter than a ghost and the gingers roam free: Scandinavia, Great Britain, Benelux etc., the language is based on old Germanic.
Generally speaking, the Brits, especially back in the’40’s, mostly fit into Hitler’s idea of the ‘master race’.
The only reason the British-German fight started is ‘cos us Brits are a bunch of antagonistic, aggressive little shits, never shy of a barny especially when someone is picking on someone smaller. We ain’t having that shit.
We became a massive flea in Hitler’s Nazi pants so he kicked off against us.
That was the situation on the Western Front.
The Eastern Front, however, was fought between the Germans and, mainly, the Soviet Union.
The Eastern Front was, by far, the biggest and most important part of the war as a whole. By comparison, the Western Front was a little skirmish.
But, Hitler knew, that to stand any chance of dominating the whole of mainland Europe, most of Asia and then the World, the biggest thing standing in his way was the massive and highly trained Russian army.
He focussed most of his efforts there. The Western front was just a little battle, in comparison, to stop the Brits and the Yanks crawling up Hitler’s arse while he was busy fighting the Soviets.
Here’s a couple of figures that may blow your mind:
The number of Soviet military casualties in World War II was 11.4 million!
The number of military casualties of the U.S.A. the U.K. and France combined, with a few other countries thrown in for good measure (like Australia, The Netherlands and Belgium), was around 2 million.
Now, these figures may not be exact, no one really knows for sure. But one thing is for sure; World War II was a massive war between Germany and the Soviet Union.
There were lots of other smaller battles that made it a true world war, but most of the fighting, most of both military and civilian casualties, happened on the Eastern Front.
The problem is that for people born and raised in the U.K., we are taught in schools that WWII was between Germany and Britain.
In Russia, they are taught that WWII was between the U.S.S.R. and Germany.
Hell, in America, they are taught that, not only was WWII between Germany and the good old US of A, but that it didn’t actually start until 1941, which is when the U.S.A. entered the war after the attack at Pearl Harbour.
Up until that point the yanks were like,
‘Yeah, that Hitler bloke is a nutter, but he’s over there and we’re alright over here so fuck y’all’.
So, as the U.S.S.R. in the east and the other Allied Powers in the west (U.K., U.S.A., France etc.) started to turn the tide against the Germans, they started to move, inexorably, towards Germany from both sides. They eventually got inside Germany’s borders and the ‘Race to Berlin’ began.
The U.S.A. even played it’s ‘asshole card’ again, as it has many times throughout history, leaving the other Allies scrapping with large pockets of German resistance throughout Western Europe while they metaphorically dropped all their shit and sprinted to Berlin. Ensuring that they got there first while the Brits, the French, the Aussies and everyone else were still busy kicking lumps out of the remains of the Wehrmacht.
Germany was doing all sorts of secret scientific shit and when the Third Reich began to fall, the Soviet Union and the U.S.A. both wanted to get their hands on all the interesting shit German scientists had been cooking up behind closed doors. Mainly rocket, aircraft and weapons technology.
German rocket powered missiles were leaps ahead of anyone else’s technology. The V1 and V2 (or ‘doodlebug) rocket missiles were being produced and used successfully. Ask your grandad (probably your great grandad at this point? Tempus fugit!) about the eerie doodlebugs blowing up parts of London and Southern England in the later stages of the war if you don’t believe me.
German jet aircraft were active and only getting better, and it didn’t take a genius to see the military value in technology that allows you to make entire towns and cities just disappear from thousands of miles away or fly faster, higher and further than your enemies.
The U.S.A. and U.S.S.R. wanted that technology, along with anything else they could grab. So, at the end of WWII, that’s what they did. Grabbed it, with selfish, grasping fists.
They carved Germany in half, stuck a massive wall through the middle of Berlin and each of those superpowers took what they could find along with half the devastated country of Germany, splitting it into West Germany (U.S.A.) and East Germany (U.S.S.R.).
US and Soviet friendship collapsed through greed and thus began the Cold War.
West Germany, under the wing of a democratic U.S.A., prospered while East Germany, under the supervision of a hatstand-crazy, communist mother fucker named Stalin, became a communist country and basically became part of the Soviet Union. The ‘Iron Curtain’ fell.
The Cold War. East vs West. U.S.A. vs U.S.S.R. Not actual war, but a thin line of politics preventing real war from breaking out, which could happen at any point.
The nuclear bomb already existed but required a bomber to physically fly to the target and drop it. Due to the limitation in range of the aircraft at the time, this had to be done from somewhere close to the target itself.
This is precisely why the U.S.A. put so much effort into capturing the otherwise insignificant Pacific Islands during the last stages of WWII. They needed a base close to mainland Japan to fly their big bombers from in order to drop the nukes.
Both the U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. knew this strategy and knew exactly where the other’s bombers would come from. Simple triangulation. This meant they could defend against any nuclear attack by simply watching potential launch sites and shooting down the bombers before they could reach their destination.
This is the main reason for the amazing leaps and bounds in fighter aircraft after WWII.
This led to a need for a nuclear weapon delivery system that didn’t require a group of plucky blokes in flying jackets to biggles their way to the target, under fire, and drop a massive bomb on the enemy.
A rocket would allow that. Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles (ICBMs) were on their way.
Both the U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R., who now hated each other despite fighting on the same side in WWII, both knew what needed to be done and this began the race to see who could invent the ICBM first. Whoever did that would have a lot of military superiority over the other.
Thus began the ‘space race’.
ICBMs and going to the moon required the same technology. Big ass rockets capable of transport a large payload into high orbit.
The country that could dominate with rocket technology, like sending a man to the moon, could easily use that same technology to fire a nuke from some secret backwater bunker in their own country and blow the other one to little, glowing pieces.
If the bombs could come from anywhere, they would be too difficult to track and would hit their targets before any countermeasures could be scrambled.
Each country needed to demonstrate their capabilities, and they couldn’t just fire one of their nukes at each other. That would start a war which would kill the planet.
If you create a weapon that you wish your enemy to fear, you must use it. At least once. Everything else is simply propaganda.
It’s like having a fist fight with someone and they say, ‘I have a gun’ but they refuse to show it to you. You’re just going to think they are talking rubbish, right?
This is exactly what ended WWII.
The U.S.A. invented the nuclear bomb and threatened to use it. None of their enemies believed them and kept right on fighting. So the U.S.A. dropped a nuke on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
The war just ended.
The Axis powers saw the unimaginable destruction and said;
‘Fuck that! We surrender!’
Hiroshima and Nagasaki had already demonstrated the power of the atom bomb. Now the U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. needed to demonstrate that they had the best delivery system for that horrifying weapon.
So, the Space Race was about the U.S.A. and U.S.S.R. flexing their military strength and technology in a ‘peaceful’ way
And ego. Obviously.
Both the U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. were spying on each other. Both knew what the other was doing and how far they had got. Both had the technology to see what was happening in a very public theatre. The Space Race wasn’t a secret.
And I swear I’m getting to the point, it’s just important to know the history.
The conspiracy theorists who insist that the moon landings never happened are seriously asking people to believe what I consider a completely unbelievable proposition.
The U.S.A. Apollo 11 craft landed on the lunar surface. On television. Easy to track. Easily disprovable. Especially by an enemy who would love nothing more than to say it never happened and make the U.S.A. a laughing stock on the world stage.
Radar had existed for years. Deep space tracking had existed for years. This is how we can have things like satellites. Hell, even a moderately powered telescope could be employed to expose the ‘lie’.
So, when the ‘hoax’ happened, the U.S.S.R. just said nothing?
They could easily prove it was a hoax but instead chose not to expose the lies of their greatest enemy.
They just disbanded their whole space program and gave up. Even though, they themselves were very close to success.
In summary, the U.S.S.R. knew that it’s hated enemy had not won the Space Race, and could prove it without a doubt, but instead just gave up and said nothing.
Really?
Why?
What?
Where’s the logic in that?
“Ve vill make da stupid capitalist svine believe that ve believe them, that vill confuce dem!”
So, when the U.S.A. flexed its new atom bomb backed muscles in the debating chambers, the U.S.S.R. would concede to their demands and somehow this was what the U.S.S.R. wanted?
“Listen here, y’all red commie bastards, we done got the biggest bomb on the planet and if y’all don’t do what we say we will blow y’all to itty, bitty pieces!”
“Yes sir, ve vill capitulate in every vay…..(little does diss idyot yank know that diss is all part ov our plan to….to….to….Boris, explain diss plan to me again vould you.)”
As it turned out, it didn’t mean anything in the end as the spy networks were both amazing and highly efficient. Most people can be bought or threatened to spill as many beans as required. As soon as one side invented the ICBM, the other side knew how to replicate it mere days later. Equilibrium was restored by the infamous M.A.D. situation.
Mutually Assured Destruction.
If you bomb us, we bomb you, we all die.
Nobody wanted that, which is why the threat of nuclear war faded after the 80’s. That and the collapse of the Soviet Union of course.
M.A.D. kept the peace for years.
But at the time, no one knew that it would turn out that way.
Anyway, after that hugely lengthy aside, I’ll get back to my point. If, indeed, I ever had one. I think I had one. I’m pretty sure. Ah yes, I remember now.
We all know shit about space, right?
We are all aware of satellites and space stations. We all know about the little wheely robots scuttling about on Mars and the strangely anthropomorphic dustbins heading out into the darkness beyond our solar system. We’re aware of odd German blokes riding massive balloons up there and jumping off and that Musk bloke attempting to become even richer by firing other rich dickheads into orbit from a massive rich-prick gun.
There’s some awfully cool technology out there. There’s a lot of technological advances that have become everyday things as a result of the technology invented for space and space travel.
Most people don’t realise that NASA, especially, but most other space agencies around the world actually turn a profit.
Do you think that Governments would plough millions into space exploration for the good of the race, for some philanthropic reason, just because?
Nope. The technology drips down into the lives of all of us, and that makes money. Lots and lots of money.
The space agencies pay the government funds they receive back, with interest.
It is easy to see just how far technology has come. Just look around you.
How good is the technology used by NASA? It’s pretty mind blowing.
NASA runs on a relatively small amount of funding.
For example, the U.S. government granted NASA a budget of $24.9 billion in 2024.
That seems like a lot of money but not when you realise that, in a percentage of the total amount of national spending, that equates to 0.48% of the annual budget.
In comparison:
Social Security 21%
Medicare 14%
Health Insurance Programs 24%
Veterans Benefits 8%
Economic Security Programs 7%
Added to that is the fact that NASA employs approximately 18,475 employees, and those guys aren’t on minimum wage.
The actual funds NASA uses to do all the amazing shit it does is really, quite small.
The USA spends 17.7% of its budget on the military. That we know of. There’s a lot of secret money going to projects no one knows about.
So, given all that. What the fuck kind of space shit do the governments of the world have?
Seriously. I’m scared!
There really is a conspiracy but it’s not what those youtube and flerfers think it is.
There’s stuff up there we wouldn’t believe.
So, I’m going to use NASA as an example here. There are many other space agencies and research groups all around the world who are up to equally amazing stuff.
What I mean when I say ‘NASA’ is actually ‘NASA and all the other space agencies and research groups all around the world’.
It’s just a lot easier to type ‘NASA’ than ‘NASA and all the other space agencies and research groups all around the world’.
And if I were to say ‘NASA and all the other space agencies and research groups all around the world’ multiple times, rather than just say ‘NASA’, I would feel the urge to rephrase it every time so it didn’t get repetitive and weird.
I’m just that kind of person, alright? Don’t judge me.
I don’t come around your place judging how you do shit, do I? Telling you that you’re wrong to make a cup of tea and put the milk in first? (You are wrong though).
Or casting derision on how you store your shoes? Or ridiculing you on your choice of sofa placement in relation to the ancient art of Feng Shui? I just don’t do it, do I?
So, afford me the same courtesy.
Please. Just make that mental addition whenever you read ‘NASA’ okay?
When you read ‘NASA’, mentally change it to ‘NASA and all the other space agencies and research groups all around the world’.
Deal?
Fair enough.
You’re a gentleman and a scholar. Or a lady. Or whatever. You’re a star. Leave it at that and we’re all happy.
I am aware, by the way, that I just said I don’t come around your place judging you after spending a lot of time telling you, if you do indeed believe in conspiracy theories and the like, that your theories are not only wrong, but they are also ridiculous and you’re a fool for believing them.
That’s neither here nor there. Like wearing sunglasses in the rain.
Hypocritical? Moi?
Nah. Not me.
Anyway.
NASA is very proud of its work, and rightly so, and they want nothing more than to get other people interested. They publicise everything just because they love to talk about it.
NASA is the space agency equivalent of a giggling bunch of kids, proud of the pictures they just drew, screaming and shouting at their parents to look, please, just look, look what we did, it’s amazing!
Giddy and hysterical. One step away from getting over excited, being sick on their own shoes and having to go and take a nap in a darkened room to calm down. The only difference is that NASA are all fully grown adults with brains the size of cars and a shit ton of money to spend on toys.
NASA doesn’t have any secrets. NASA can’t keep secrets. It’s just too excited.
Like buying an awesome birthday present for a loved one and trying desperately to keep the surprise. But you know that they are going to love it so you end up giving them the gift a week early because you just can’t wait any longer to see their face light up.
NASA reports everything to the U.S. government. They have to in order to receive funding. NASA doesn’t read much into this. Of course the government is interested in what they’re doing, who wouldn’t be?
But the government has ulterior motives. They want to use the work NASA do for their own purposes.
Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Buck Rogers, Space 1977, Thunderbirds, all of it, all of it is true!
Up there, right now, one-handed Luke Skywalker is having a crazy sword fight with Darth Vader.
Starbuck is on the phone to Scott Tracy, trying to get a date with Lady Penelope.
Captain Picard is having a bare-chested scrap with Captain Kirk about who gets to sit in the big chair while Spock looks on, unemotional, demanding they stop their illogical behaviour.
Buck Rogers is performing some weird dance in a futuristic nightclub, looking like he is having some sort of mental episode, while Tweeky moans about the price of space-kippers.
It’s all going on up there, while we sit down here being obsessed with our phones and complaining about the price of Earth kippers.
Consider, really consider, what the massive military machines all around the world can do with unlimited funding when we know what NASA can do with a few old bobbins and some string (relatively speaking).
The possibilities are endless.
Think about that. Or don’t. I don’t really care that much. I’m just waiting to evolve into a crab.
