Wanted: Fed or Alive.

Totally extinct and it really sucks.

WANTED: Fed or Alive.
Cleopatra.

“And then I said: ‘Do you feel clucky, chick.’ Well? Do ya?”

Cleopatra. AKA: ‘The Squishy Assassin’, ‘Little Fluffy Furry Chops’ and ‘The Soul Eater’.

Wanted for 23 counts of extortion by threats of violence, 19 counts of robbery at gunpoint, 12 counts of blackmail, 147 counts of menacing behaviour and 299 counts of being a cheeky little bugger.

While having the physical characteristics of a cute kitten, Cleopatra is actually 48 years old and a former Navy Seal. During her time as a Seal, Cleopatra was responsible for the deaths of 31 other seals and 18 walruses. Her defence was: ‘They be eatin’ all me fish innit’.
Cleopatra utilises her unique appearance to lull her victims into a false sense of security She gains their trust and waits for an opportune moment to strike. When her victim least expects it, they find themselves nose (or beak) to muzzle with Cleopatra’s weapon of choice, a chrome plated 9mm semi-automatic Taurus G3 handgun which she somehow manages to secrete somewhere on her person at all times.
Her favourite victims are young, innocent, rich ducklings. She occasionally robs puppies and barfs on expensive carpets for pleasure.

WANTED: Fed or Alive.
Gordon the Groundhog.

When he’s finished, you’ll be glad this day doesn’t repeat.

Gordon the Groundhog. AKA: ‘The Gut’, ‘Doesn’t Gopher Anything’, ‘Jelly Belly’ and ‘The Enforcer’.
Wanted for 19 counts of murder with a further 192 counts of suspected murder, 39 counts of eating all the pies and 396 counts of harassing Bill Murray.

Gordon is a mercenary for hire and is wanted in connection with many killings during the infamous Low Street gang wars of 2018. He is also suspected to be involved in many other gang and territory wars in South London during the last 5 years. Gordon has no conscience and zero loyalty (except to doughnuts) and is available to the highest bidder.
Legendary crime boss, Fingers N. Toes McGillicuddy, is on record regarding Gordon:
“Gordon? Christ! That dude’s a maniac! Whenever we had a big problem, we’d just call Gordon in ‘cos he will just fuck your world up. I once saw him scalp a fool for a Mars bar! Whatever you do, don’t call him a gopher, he really hates that. There was a gang down in Brixton once, called him a gopher, we never heard from any of them ever again. Legend is, Gordon coated them all in chocolate and ate them! I don’t know how true that is but when we went looking, all we found was a massive pile of shit with hats in it. He’s one psycho son of a bitch!”

WANTED: Fed or Alive
Labootoo.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, she sees you.

Labootoo. AKA: ‘The Shadow’, ‘The Delicate Sound of Farts’ and ‘The Big L’.
Wanted for: the assassination of Count Otto Van Burger with Onions and questioning regarding 123 other assassinations.

Little is known about Labootoo. She was born in South Africa to a wealthy family and brought up via the usual pride system. At some point during her formative years, she strayed from the usual path of a young lioness and became an assassin for hire.
Some say she was trained in the art by the mythical assassin Bespectacled Barry but there is no evidence to substantiate that or, indeed, the existence of Bespectacled Barry in the first place.
This is all normal as rule one of being a successful assassin is to cover your tracks and not get caught.
There has only ever been one instance of Labootoo leaving evidence behind. The assassination of Count Otto Van Burger with Onions in 2008.

Labootoo left a distinct paw print behind which has been passed to the International Bad Kitty Paw Print Authority for analysis. There was a 79% match with a paw print obtained from Labootoo following a DUI in her teen years.
That and she left a calling card which read:
“I killed the wanker, it was me, Labootoo, and I’d do it again I tell ya, he was a tosspot of the highest level! Catch me if you can! (barf stain)”
Some people believe she had a personal reason for killing the Count, possibly due to his ownership of a company which takes wealthy individuals on hunting tours in Africa.

WANTED: Fed or Alive.
Petr Obsallavich.

“Come over ‘ere, I’ll bite yer kneecaps orf!”

Petr Obsallavich. AKA: ‘The Psycho Pinemartin’, ‘Fuckinell!’ and ‘The Axeman’.
Wanted for: 12 counts of murder and dismemberment, 8201 counts of illegal tree felling and 1 count of telling a terrible ‘tree fellers’ joke regarding three Irish lumberjacks walking into a bar.

Petr is a psychopath. Pure and simple. He roams the woods of middle England, chopping down trees he doesn’t like because, in his own words:

“…they look at me funny and they’re all knobbly…”.
On twelve different occasions he has been surprised in his insane endeavours by hiking parties and proceeded to attack and kill one of their members while severely injuring the others. His weapon of choice is a rusty old axe; blunt and worn with use and age.
This is why his victims are so few and the survival rate for an encounter is so high. It takes him a long, long time to kill one person and by the time he’s finished, everyone else has scarpered. By the time the authorities have been led back to the area, all that is left is bits and pieces of what used to be a person. Slightly gnawed and covered in spit.
Do not approach Petr under any circumstances.

WANTED: Fed or Alive
Shannon Squirrel.

“Say hello to my little bushy tail muthafuckers!”

Shannon Squirrel. AKA: ‘Super Shannon’, ‘The Tabs of Hate’ and ‘The Icy Wind’.
Wanted for: Suspected involvement in the Low Street gang wars of 2018.

Allegedly in a romantic relationship with Gordon the Groundhog.
She’s a nutter.
She sees herself as a social media star, regularly posting updates on various websites, oddly concerning her love of automatic weapons. Most of her followers come from the deep south of the US. She has a reputation as a redneck pin up of sorts. She’s obsessed with how fluffy her ears are and is constantly on the lookout for ways to improve volume.
No one knows how she manages to obtain internet access.
She’s definitely nuts.

WANTED: Fed or Alive.
Sidney Somnambulist.

Don’t wake him up!

Sidney Somnambulist. AKA: ‘Sleepy Sid’, ‘The Cushion’ and ‘Puddweezle’.
Wanted for: 3 counts of manslaughter.

Sidney is not a dangerous criminal. Sidney is an unfortunate individual who suffers from narcolepsy. He can’t stay awake for extended periods of time. While this is not, in itself, a major problem, Sidney’s upbringing in downtown Detroit has led the lethargic layabout to be armed at all times.
Three of Sidney’s previous owners have been shot at point blank range when they accidentally woke Sidney from one of his regular naps.
Sidney has always absconded from the scene of the crime and is wanted for accidental manslaughter and questioning regarding his underworld associations.
Do not approach Sidney if he is asleep, which is always, so never do that

WANTED: Fed or Alive.
Todd and Rambunctious Roger.

“Who does that bitch think she is?”

Todd and Rambunctious Roger. AKA: ‘The Turtle Twins’, ‘Them Two Wankers’ and ‘Eck and Ock’.
Wanted for: Genocide, homicide, patricide, being snide and leaving brides.

Todd and Roger are the founders and only members of an extreme religious group who believe all the problems in the world are caused by ‘stoopid doggies’.
They have carved out a decent sized area of land in the heart of Kabul which they rule with an iron claw. With eight iron claws and two swishy tails. All dogs in the area are forced into slave labour under threat of public execution should they not obey. The dogs are all required to wear electrified collars with which the twins can administer painful electric shocks at will, which they do, a lot, for laughs, ‘cos they’re evil.
International Counter Terrorism forces want the imprisonment of these two terrors but are unable to act due to fear that their removal could create a power vacuum which would destabilise the entire country and result in a fierce civil war.
Surgical strikes under cover of specially designed catnip bombs have been attempted but when forces finally reached the pair of terrifying tabbies, they found their insanity had just increased and they were shooting everything in sight while laughing manically.
Many Chihuahuas were killed in the attempts.
They remain at large and furry.

WANTED: Fed or Alive.
Eeeek Squeak Eek.

“Eeeeeek! Eeek eeeek eek eeeeeeek eekee eeek!”

Eeeek Squeak Eek. AKA: ‘Eeeeeeek Eeeeeek’, ‘Squeaky Eeeeky’ and ‘Eeeeeeeeeek!’.
Wanted for: 2.3 million counts of murder.

Eeeek is a very dangerous creature. He was trained in the dark arts of the Samurai by the legendary Black Monks of Bognor Regis and is absolutely lethal.
Eeeek is also a big fan of LSD and is usually completely off his tits.
The vast majority of his body count was during the famed Pogroms of Pancake in China during the unease of 2019. Eeeek dropped a few tabs, tripped off his nut and thought the rat population of Beijing were all aliens who wanted to probe his butt. What followed was the most brutal and efficient rat extermination for a century. To this day, China has very few rats. Those that do exist, cower in corners and jump at every shadow, waiting for the day that the foam-spitting, eye-rolling, jaw-gopping maniac with a sword comes back to finish them off.
Feel free to approach Eeeek. He’s just a rat. Just don’t do it barefoot or you’ll get a nasty toe cut or two.