A friend of mine recently read a post I posted on this site regarding my lost scissors.
A post I posted? Is that right? Seems weird. We maybe need a new word.
A post I vomited?
A friend of mine recently read a post I vomited. My mention of my ‘little tool box’ made him think.
Why would I need to differentiate it from other toolboxes unless there was more than one?
I told him it was just what I call it because it’s little. No other reason.
He himself, however, has several toolboxes and wondered if it was normal.
“Am I weird?” he said.
Is he?
I’m asking for a friend.
Is HE weird? Is HE weird to have a collection of toolboxes, all for specific purposes?
Asking for a friend.
Does HE suffer from some kind of OCD?
Do most people just have, like, one toolbox? Maybe two?
People who work in a field where lots of tools are needed, like politics for example, may have the need for multiple tool boxes, obviously, but is it normal for an ordinary person to have more than one?
Asking for a friend.
I asked him why he had so many toolboxes.
I told him I only had one. Like normal people; just a little one.
(That’s what she said – aha ha ha ha ha…….oh wait……..damn!)
Then I called him a nutjob but he’s kinda used to that so he took no offence.
He listed each one’s contents, just to prove how persnickety and anal he was.
“House toolbox.”
HE said, asking for a friend remember.
“A tool box kept in the house with tools specific to household repairs and the like, so I don’t have to go to the shed for a screwdriver when the fridge explodes.”
That seems reasonable.
“Para Box. It’s never jumped out of a plane but it contains paracord and paracord things. Stuff related to the making of stuff from paracord including some special tools I had to make myself – I’m a fecking genius dontcherknow!”
Okay, getting weirder.
“Hammer Filemus and Pliers. Various sizes of files and hammers and various different sets of pliers.”
Oh. You named it. That’s normal.
“Suitcase.
Technically a tool box is a box with tools in it right?
So a suitcase with tools in it metamorphoses instantly into a toolbox as soon as you drop a spanner in it.
This is all my overflow tools that won’t fit in other boxes and slightly knackered tools that may have some use in the future.
Like using a rusty, old screwdriver to stab Piers Morgan in the eye for example.”
Okay. I’m getting scared now.
“The Slug Box.”
The Slug Box?
“Yeah, it’s called the Slug Box now. I haven’t been in that for a while and some slugs had made a home in the handle recess. I found out when I picked it up and squashed several slugs in my hand.”
It was disgusting. Really disgusting. Slimy. And very squirmy. And a little wiggly.
I mean. I imagine it was. It didn’t happen to me so how could I possibly know what it felt like. Just asking for a friend.
“So, the slug box contains Allan keys and general tools that won’t fit in other tool boxes. Some specialist tools like a chisel sharpener, stud finder, multi-meter, stuff like that.
Mainly though, it’s duplicate and spare tools. It’s my spares toolbox. A spares toolbox for spare tools. Hahahahaha. That’s funny. Hahahaha.”
Okay.
I started to plan my escape strategy.
“Spare box. This is my spare toolbox in case I lose or break another toolbox or find I have to create a new toolbox to hold tools for a specific reason. I put a padlock on it in case someone nicks it.”
Wait, what? You realise that putting a padlock on the toolbox doesn’t stop someone from…….sigh…….oh, it doesn’t matter. Continue.
“Da Bosch Box. The ‘B’ is picked out with a permanent marker because…because….oh yeah, my name is Brian. Or Bart.
My name begins with a ‘B’ anyway.
It’s definitely not Bradley….
Benedict?
Barry?
Probably Barry.
If I was to make up a person who would be a scapegoat for my own insane behaviour, I’d probably call him Barry….
Anyway. This is an old drill box converted for tool box use after the drill emigrated to Spain for its retirement. This is basically just spanners.”
You’re spanners mate.
“My favourite driver box. Just my favourite ratchet screwdriver, in a box, so it doesn’t learn any bad habits from other screwdrivers and stuff.
Especially that degenerate awl.
He should be put away.
He’s evil.
It’s also got various bits and stuff for the driver.
Is it a tool box?
It’s a tool in a box, so yeah, it’s a toolbox.
Wait, by that standard, my shed is also a toolbox!
It’s a box. Okay a big one, but it’s still a box.
If someone who didn’t know what a shed was asked you to describe it to them, the word ‘box’ would probably come up reasonably quickly.
And it’s got tools in it. Tools that are not in other boxes. So that means that’s a toolbox too!”
At this point he started gibbering and drooling so I made a hasty getaway and phoned the police, only much later. Not immediately. I had stuff to do.
Those kebabs aren’t going to eat themselves you know.
And who’s going to look after the mogwai if I go around harassing police officers and poking priests?
There’s that massive inflatable pool full of water right next to their cages.
With that dart suspended on a string above it, and the string goes through an open pair of scissors which are closed by the hydraulic mechanism that activates in three and half hours unless I get there to stop it.
A once in a lifetime, one in a googleplex event might possibly occur.
One that would mean the end of life as we know it.
A completely accidental and unimaginably coincidental sequence of events might take place (maybe) if i don’t get back. One that would doom us all.
Whoop! Whoop! Gigglemoing gloink!
Mind when you put that tater on the wobbly side that you don’t catch your pants on the shenk hook.
I think Barry’s crazy and a danger to himself and others.
