The truth is out there.

The Nazis’ top scientists successfully cloned Dot Cotton from EastEnders with the intent of unleashing an army of evil, murderous Cotton Clones across Eastern Europe.

After many tests, and many gruesome deaths, even the Nazis decided that the terrifying clones were just too evil.

Imagine that! A creature the Nazis felt was ‘a bit much’!

Blimey!

The East Talun Chronicle found a trail of clues which promised the truth was, indeed, out there, but we definitely did not follow those clues and almost end the world.
Not us.
We’ve got morals.

But the truth is out there. Just please don’t go looking for it.

I will tell you where it isn’t though.

It’s not in a top secret bunker marked “Top Secret Cotton Cloning Facility – Keep Out” that I didn’t find during the time I didn’t spend in France in ’42. There was not a sign saying “Keep Doors Closed At All Time – Hazardous Materials Inside”.

I didn’t jemmy the door open in the hope of not finding some space doughnuts and I didn’t set off the security system which didn’t malfunction, didn’t burst into flames and didn’t open the doors of all the experimental laboratories inside.

That scenario did not release a horde of ravenous, devilish Dots upon an unsuspecting world and didn’t almost bring about the destruction of the human race.

Super Wonder Teacake Man didn’t step in at the last minute and didn’t narrowly avert the impending disaster with the utilisation of a Homing Hot Cross Bun and several Incendiary Iced Fingers.

Know what I’m sayin’?

I asked my friend Anne about it, I said,

“Anne, Anne, what are we ‘sposed to do?”

She said,

“Unfortunately, yes. I do know what you’re saying and I’m glad you told me that as it was the first place I was going to look. So I looked down the back of the sofa instead.
And guess what I found??
That s right, 13 pence and last year’s bus timetable for the number 28. Which I thought was weird because I usually keep that behind the fridge.”

Which wasn’t very helpful but Anne’s been under a lot of stress recently, what with the swarm of pyromaniac parrots and her gout acting up.

I told her that the fridge and the sofa are in cahoots.

Cahoots.
It’s a nice place. Not much to do in the evenings though.
And the parking is atrocious.