Lollies Vs IPads: The Ultimate Question.
Since the dawn of time (well, since about 2010) mankind has long sought the answer to this great question:
Which is better? An iPad or a Lolly?
Both have their pros and cons.
Both have immense benefits and both have great downfalls.
Let’s break it down.
The iPad.
Pros.
1. Allows access to a multitude of apps, games, music, video, social networking and online content.
2. Shiny.
3. Can be used to signal aircraft or ships if you are marooned on a desert island.
Cons.
1. Allows access to social networking. This allows ‘other persons’ to contact you and bug you when you want to be left alone.
2. Works on electrickery so is limited by battery life.
3. Made by Apple who are based in the Fourth Circle of Hell (Reserved for those showing massive greed according to Dante.)
4. Rubbish for dipping into sherbet.
5. Not tasty at all. Crunchy and glassy and tastes like shit.
6. Every time you touch the surface, it leeches part of your soul away.
7. Addictive, especially: ‘Angry Birds’.
8. Laden with subliminal programming that will make you want to buy the latest iPhone 3948 SE GTi Turbo and suckle once more at the teat of iTunes.
Lollies.
Pros.
1. Is tasty.
2. Has a crinkly wrapper with bright colours.
3. Has zero connection to social networks.
4. Comes in a variety of different flavours.
5. Comes complete with a handy stick you can fashion into some kind of tiny weapon, like a stabby stick or a dried pea flinging device.
6. Can sustain you if you are marooned on a desert island.
7. Can be used as impromptu, tiny drumsticks.
8. Ideal tool for attracting and then beating ants to death.
9. Can be used to emphasise a point while having a conversation.
10. Is tasty.
11. Excellent for dipping into sherbet.
12. If thrown properly, can disintegrate into razor sharp shards and maim and kill your enemies.
13. Is very tasty.
Cons.
1. Makes your bum fat if you eat too many.
Conclusion: Lollies are better than iPads.
*Does not actually do anything an iPad does.
Basically just a lolly in the shape of an iPad.
Use of, or even glancing at Lollypad automatically grants Apple Inc. ownership of your first child, complete access to your bank accounts, total control over any and all social networking accounts, half of your left arm and your immortal soul.
‘Carry Wand’, Chocolatey Bit and Sprinkles are optional extras and can be added only from the Apple store when Lollypad is initially purchased.
Carry Wand: £399.
Chocolatey bit: £399.
Sprinkles: £45 per sprinkle.
Use of third party carry wand, chocolatey bit and sprinkles will result in the three and a half hour Applecare warranty becoming void and useless.
Also, some shady blokes will come round your house in the middle of the night and shoot you in the kneecaps.
By purchasing Lollypad you are agreeing to be forever tied to Apple and subsidiary companies.
Use of your personal data is solely at the discretion of Apple Inc. who will do whatever the fuck they like with it ‘cos screw you that’s why.
By purchasing Lollypad you acknowledge that the Lollypad will be considered obsolete within fourteen days and after such date will no longer receive any support.
Also, Apple Inc. will, on the fifteenth day after purchase, force an ‘upgrade’ on your Lollypad which will render 90% of the apps already installed useless and create a permanent file on the internal storage which alerts the iTunes store to the obsolescence of the Lollypad which will result in you never being able to download and use any apps every again.
Apple – Just give us your money and fuck off.
