It’s a skill I have.
One day I will find a use for it.
I need to find somewhere where it snows all the time and there is a pressing need to identify dogs from piss stains.
No. 1 – Artistic Poodle.
Stain technical name:
Portrait
Breed of dog:
French Poodle.
French Poodles invariably attempt to recreate the image of their owner in their piss stains.
No one but the poodles know if this is because of the deep seated, emotional bond and unconditional love they have for their owners or because of the poodle’s general disdain and hatred for the human race as a whole.
Humans insists that poodles are not the ruling species on Earth despite all poodle evidence to the contrary.
The poodles do not like this.
Most piss stain experts, including myself, believe the second reason for the piss stain portraiture.
They want us all dead.
Colour of dog:
Black.
Black poodles generally use the 16th Century Baroque style, usually with a large Portuguese influence, in their piss stain portraits.
Name of Dog:
Human Language:
Clarence.
89% accuracy.
The ‘walk away drip off’ on the left clearly shows a dog who will not wait for anything. He’s just above it all. He has a ready group of slaves to tend to his every need.
He doesn’t have to wait to finish urination before he walks away, he will walk away when he wants to walk away and someone else can deal with the consequences.
Therefore…he must be called Clarence.
Dog Language:
“!ARRRgggg’FFF”
(The Great Curly One, Slayer of Worlds and Keeper of the Legendary Squirrel Squeaker.)
Age of dog:
35 in standard dog years (4 in human years)
Primary diet of dog:
The finest and freshest wet foods. Prime fillet steak and line caught salmon. Clarence will eat nothing but the best.
Sometimes he will eat half a slipper as a political statement.
Can dog in question drive a van:
No. How coarse!
He would never be seen dead doing that.
He has a man for that kind of thing.
Dog’s political stance:
Conservative.
Dog owner’s name:
Seymour.
75% accuracy.
Dog owner’s profession:
Banker. CEO or upper management in a large bank. Very rich.
Only rich people can afford to cater for the exquisite and elegant tastes of a Clarence.
No. 2 – Hyperactive Border Collie.
Stain technical name:
Ant Pant Spatter.
Breed of dog:
Border Collie.
Collies are so full of energy that they cannot stay still for a single moment when out on their patrols.
There is so much to see, smell, stand on and dry hump that the collie can’t even stand still long enough to urinate.
Collies are one of the bounciest dogs in existence, classifying as an amazing 9.7 on ‘Bertram’s Springy Can’t Stay Still Jelly Legs Index’.
The result of all this bouncy is a piss stain which is a jumbled spatter of different streams and drippages as the collie in question gets distracted by a paper bag blowing by, some snow, its own leg, some different snow, its leg again, a man with a hat on, the same man without a hat on, a hat blowing by in the wind without a head in, some more snow or a small sound from thirteen miles away.
Colour of dog:
Black and white. (easy!)
Name of Dog:
Human Language:
Badger.
97% accuracy.
Named after the mash potato obsessed mustelid of the old TV program: ‘Badger and Bodger’.
The classic ‘Ant Pant Spatter’ can be seen in the image (spatter resulting from pants full of ants).
The separation and penetration of the drippage in this case clearly indicates that this particular collie is named Badger.
Dog Language:
“GArrOOOfff!”
(Oh It’s You, Where’ve You Gone?)
Age of dog:
40 in standard dog years (5 in human years)
Primary diet of dog:
Ideally chicken and roast potatoes but will be coerced easily into eating a cheese sandwich. Providing there is a little bit of pepper on it.
Can dog in question drive a van:
Yes. It is part of his job.
Dog’s political stance:
Green Party.
Dog owner’s name:
Steely Bob.
54% accuracy.
Dog owner’s profession:
Bookmaker with a dream to own a farm.
No. 3 – Killer Chihuahua.
Stain technical name:
Grave Marker.
Breed of dog:
Chihuahua.
Barely visible on the right of the image is a small black ‘something’ poking through the snow.
Unfortunately, the ‘something’ in question here is undoubtedly a severed head.
The head has been dumped, mainly covered in snow and marked with a small scent piss stain.
Without question, this could only be the evil work of the Chihuahua.
Invented in prehistoric Mexico by the vicious and cruel warlord ‘Juan More Time’ to serve as his soldiers, the Chihuahua is one of the most hostile and evil creatures on the planet.
They only live for one thing, to kill.
They ingratiate themselves into an innocent family and, before long, begin to slay that family one by one. Usually starting with the youngest and working their way up.
They dismember the corpses and bury the body parts in various locations, marking the burial mounds with scent as a warning to any creature who would challenge them.
Colour of dog:
A light tan brown.
The uncompleted burial mound leads me to believe that this particular slaying was undertaken by the light tan brown Chihuahua model as they are the laziest of the breed.
Name of Dog:
Human Language:
Foo Foo.
77% accuracy.
Dog Language:
“ieieieieieiwwwwwwFFFFFFF!!”
(Oh Dark One, Please Spare Me Your Fury)
Age of dog:
52 in standard dog years (9 in human years)
Primary diet of dog:
Human flesh when available fresh, otherwise Pedigree Chum.
Can dog in question drive a van:
Yes. It’s essential in the transportation of human remains.
Dog’s political stance:
Far Right Neo Nazism,
Dog owner’s name:
The dog references them simply as ‘Victim’.
No other information can be established.
Dog owner’s profession:
Unknown due again to complete indifference of the Chihuahua to its hosts.
It doesn’t care enough to find out. The idiots are not going to be around for long anyway.
No. 4 – Late Bulldog.
Stain technical name:
The Walkaway.
Breed of dog:
British Bulldog.
All bulldogs are currently undertaking secret missions for Her Majesty The Queen.
Bulldogs have a complicated coded language which is used, via the medium of piss, to communicate with their comrades.
Fortunately, with a larger human brain, the code can be translated quite easily through the sheer genius and general wonderfulness we all have.
A stolen bone inscribed with the translation matrix may also have contributed slightly.
As most bulldogs in Her Majesty’s service are, this bulldog is clearly short on time, performing his duties to a strict timetable.
Late bulldogs make late bulldogs. i.e. dead bulldogs.
Walls have ears, watch out for loose turnips and all that jazz.
His stream is efficient and informative and requires no full stop to ambulation.
Merely slowing slightly, cocking one leg and hopping on the other with barely a break in step.
The bulldog gives his message and is gone before anyone even knew he was there.
Translation of late bulldog piss stain:
“Lt. Col. Bobby. Stop. All clear. Stop. Primary suspect under surveillance. Stop. Killed a butcher today. Stop. He fell under a bus. Stop. The bus swerved but failed to stop. Stop. There was sausages everywhere. Stop. Who knew that butchers was actually made of sausages? Stop. I ate too much. Stop. Stop sending me on these ridiculous missions. Stop. Please. Stop. I’m 52. Stop. You’re killing me. Stop.”
Colour of dog:
The rank of this bulldog, seen as a small double-back cross over as the stream turns directly upward (from the bottom of the picture), is a Lieutenant Colonel in the 47th Special Commando Division, “Old Feedy’s Knee Gnashers”.
The regimental colour is light brown with white socks, a white chest and a small white fleck on the forehead.
Name of Dog.
Dog Language:
Bobby. (Coincidence? Or am I just being lazy?)
Age of dog:
52 in standard dog years (14 in human years)
Primary diet of dog:
Sausages, preferably in a string.
Being chased down a street by a fat butcher in a stripy apron while scoffing them as fast as possible is the ideal method of consumption.
Can dog in question drive a van:
No, but can fly a Supermarine Spitfire Mk. VI.
Dog’s political stance:
Fighting Fascism.
For truth, justice and peace arrived at by having bigger guns than the next guy.
Dog owner’s name:
Wilfred.
84% accuracy.
Dog owner’s profession:
Retired.
No. 5 – Old Labrador.
Stain technical name:
Wandering Gertie.
Breed of dog:
Labrador.
Labradors always finish their piss strains with an elaborate, barely visible upward stroke from what is usually a fairly accurate, circular, main puddle.
It is specific to the black Labrador model.
Other models of Labrador have their strokes in different directions relative to the main puddle.
This particular identification was tricky as, at first glance, you do not see the classic circular main puddle. Instead you see a vague figure of eight shaped main puddle.
When further studied, however, it can be deduced that this is a Labrador piss stain, but from a very elderly model, who is no longer capable of standing on three legs without wavering and wobbling.
As no other breed of dog has been seen to use the elegantly curved stroke in this manner, it could only be a ‘Wandering Gertie’ piss stain.
The circular main puddle has been attempted, but due to age and weary legs, the animal can only achieve a shaky, figure of eight.
The elegant stroke is still present as it can be achieved by simply walking away mid-stream and takes very little co-ordination to complete satisfactorily.
Colour of dog:
Black.
As explained above.
Name of Dog:
Human Language:
Pickles.
65% accuracy.
Dog Language:
“GAAAAArrrrrrAwwWWW?”
(Leprechaun Herder and Fetcher of the Downed Duck)
Age of dog:
124 in standard dog years (17 in human years)
Primary diet of dog:
Anything, as long as it’s all mushed up with a fork first.
Can dog in question drive a van:
No. His licence expired in ’97.
Dog’s political stance:
Plaid Cymru.
Dog owner’s name:
Fenniwig.
2% accuracy.
Dog owner’s profession:
Market Trader.
No. 6 – Posh Shih Tzu.
Stain technical name:
The Floor is Lava.
Breed of dog:
Shih Tzu.
The posh and snobby Shih Tzu doesn’t like walking on ground that has been touched in any form by creatures it deems lower then itself.
According to the Shih Tzu brain, with its large ego centres and oversized ‘Look at ME!’ gland, this includes every living thing on Earth.
Due to this revulsion of all things icky and horrid, the Shih Tzu finds itself unable to stand in one place for too long when out patrolling.
It begins urination. Holding its nerve and gritting its teeth, it stands with its soft underbelly exposed for as long as it can.
But all too soon, about 0.02 seconds, it cannot take the feeling that the poor people germs might crawl up its stationary legs and make its lovely new hairdo all scummy.
Having left a very small piss stain, the Shih Tzu canters off, trying to wipe the stench from its feet until it can summon up the courage to try again.
It can take a Shih Tzu anywhere from 10 to 1000 separate urinations to completely empty its bladder.
A particularly brave, white model of Shih Tzu was recently tested on the streets of Glasgow. The dog sadly died from an exploding bladder.
Colour of dog:
White with pink streaks and glitter.
Tell tales traces of glitter were found nearby.
Name of Dog:
Human Language:
Chardonnay.
98% accuracy.
Dog Language:
“eeeeeeeeeeeIIIIPPP”
(Get Out Of My Way Peasant Scum!)
Age of dog:
28 in standard dog years (3 in human years).
Primary diet of dog:
Crab claws and lobster. Moet or Bollinger. Waldorf Salad and other dog’s sick.
Can dog in question drive a van:
No. Filthy things.
Dog’s political stance:
Conservative.
Dog owner’s name:
Chardonnay.
99% accuracy.
Dog owner’s profession:
Social Media Celebrity.
No. 7 – Big Alf the Rotty
Stain technical name:
Fuck you, you slags, I’ll fuckin’ cut ya.
Breed of dog:
Rottweiler.
Colour of dog:
Black and orange.
Name of Dog:
Human Language:
Big Alf.
A bit of a cheat here because I actually know the dog in question.
He’s a lovely little dog.
He almost sometimes never slices a muppet from their neck to their asshole.
Kind, generous, charming and warm.
I wouldn’t say a bad word about him.
He is renown throughout the town for being such a thoroughly wonderful chap.
Everyone knows Big Alf.
Everyone he sees while out surveying his manor will give him a hearty wave and a smile.
They usually say something like:
“I’ve got your money Big Alf, whenever you want it, no problem, please don’t kill me.”
It’s a local tradition and doesn’t mean anything nefarious at all.
You can see in this second image that Big Alf kicked a lump out of the wall before walking away.
This is another delightful local tradition.
Someone owes Big Trev some money and Big Alf visits their home or place of business and leaves a piss stain against a wall.
This usually loosely translates as:
“Get your fackin’ bill paid sharpish you mug. Else I’ll be round again to slit your guts open. Fackin’ liberty innit. Fackin’ lemon scented barbecue licker. Don’t make me come back here again.”
Big Alf then kicks a lump out of the wall in order to demonstrate the urgency of his statement.
It’s all jolly good fun and no one gets hurt.
Usually.
Usually they get dead.
Dog Language:
“eeeeyyyllllppp”
(Oh Shit!)
Age of dog:
(34 in standard dog years (5 in human years).
Primary diet of dog:
Skulls and knee caps.
Can dog in question drive a van:
Yes. Does some side work as a wheelman for Big Vince’s gang.
Dog’s political stance:
Fackin’ ‘ave it you twat.
Dog owner’s name:
Big Trev.
Another delightful chap I have absolutely nothing bad to say about.
Dog owner’s profession:
Florist.
