WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!
I have found the truth. It WAS actually out there! They were right all along!
I didn’t believe it at first, but they were very persistent.
There was some confusion initially because I wasn’t really listening. I thought they were talking about dentures.
‘The tooth is out there!’ they said.
Or so I thought.
The misunderstanding may have been down to a combination of tequila and some new ear wigs I was testing for the government.
Or It may simply have been because I wasn’t all that interested in what ‘they’ said in the first place.
I’ll leave that for you to decide.
‘They’ do tend to go on about stuff though. Like, all the time!
I thought; ‘There’s lots of false teeth out there. What are these ‘them’ people telling me this for? I really do not need to know the locations of dentures’.
Even if I did have a pressing personal need for some replacement gnashers right now, I would only really need to know the location of one specific set.
Preferably close to where I live for ease of access.
And it would ideally have to be a set that actually fit in my gob.
The odds of finding such a set of false teeth just lying around are 1,039,433,993.01148 to 1.
Approximately.
I don’t try to be too precise with that sort of thing.
The exact whereabouts of a set of falsies in the town of Middelfart in Denmark is not going to do me much good.
Except to laugh at the name and wonder what happened to Upperfart and Lowerfart.
Possibly some widespread plague of violent IBS.
I did eventually figure out that they were saying ‘truth’ and not ‘tooth’ and that made my life a little easier.
It’s one thing being constantly informed of the distinct possibility of the existence of authentic exactitude on the meaning and veracity of……stuff…..that may or may not be other places than in here.
At least that makes sense. Sort of.
It’s quite another thing to be persistently assaulted by mysterious figures yelling on an hourly basis about the location of teeth? That’s just fucking weird!
They’d jump out at the worst possible moments too.
Asshats.
I was buying a coffee and a sausage roll in Greggs the bakers, minding me own proverbial and BANG!
Out they came, blowing those unravelling party blower things and wearing tri-corner hats. Dancing around like maniacs while yelling about those bits of your skellington that poke out of your gums.
The woman behind the counter in Greggs got the shock of her life. A bunch of weirdos jumping out and shouting about teeth! Then she looks towards me for help just in time to get hit full in the face by a spinning sausage roll and covered in coffee as the bastards scared me so much that I lost control of all my limbs.
Her wearing the cup as a lovely little hat was quite funny though.
Between them and the anti-social penguin, my life was a little bit too much to take.
Then the ‘truth’ thing clicked and it got a little easier to bear.
It also helped that the penguin got arrested in Glasgow during the infamous ‘Night of a Million Chicken Wings’, but that’s another story.
“The truth is out there.” They said.
Again and again.
Too much.
It started to get really annoying.
It didn’t matter what I said, they just kept repeating the same thing.
“The truth is out there.”
“Can you go and get it and bring it in here?”
“The truth is out there.”
“I can’t go looking for it, I have all this jelly to deal with and the trout needs a haircut.”
“The truth is out there.”
“It can stay out there for all I care. I have never forgiven it for Santa.”
“The truth is out there.”
“I’ll kill you all.”
“The truth is out there.”
“I’m telling me Mum!”
“The truth is out there.”
Etc.
Ad infinitum.
Anyway, I digress.
What was I on about again?
Oh yeah.
WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!
I have found the truth (it was out there, who knew?!) and it is worse than anything you could imagine.
It’s worse than waking up one day and thinking you have grown an extra buttock and then finding out it is just a massive, pus filled boil and then spending way too much time wondering which one of those would be worse to wake up to.
Then spending even more time wondering that, if you had three buttocks, would you need two toilets? Or just some kind of funnel attachment?
It’s worse than getting on a train, falling asleep and waking up in fucking Kirkcaldy!
It’s worse even than walking into your bathroom and finding a naked and even more orangeyer Donald Trump in your bath with no way near enough water in the tub to cover his grotesque, deformed and entirely unmentionable unmentionables. He’s holding a bottle of vintage Moet, two cut crystal flutes, a bottle of rohypnol, some KY jelly and a hamster while giving you a seductive look.
Yeah. It’s bad!
Elephants are getting elephantiasis!
The world is being completely destroyed by rampaging gangs of humongous elephants!
It started in deepest, darkest Africa, which happily, is not as dark as it used to be since they had all those LED lights fitted. 1600 lumens and half the running cost of traditional 60w incandescent bulbs!
Impressive!
Now, wherever in Africa you go, you can be sure of clearly seeing a giraffe shit at 100 paces!
The lions look funny wearing sunglasses but that’s progress for you.
Near the Wachimungowatsdatinthetoilet Gorge, a herd of, admittedly already homicidal pachyderms, drank from a spring which had been contaminated with 2-4-5 Trioxin.
As everyone knows, 2-4-5 Trioxin is the cause of all shuffling zombies throughout history.
Not the fast, running kind that are all the rage nowadays.
What’s that about?
Where’s the fun in a zombie apocalypse if you can’t outrun them?
Where’s the giggles to be found if you can’t point at zombies, stupidly shuffling about the place, walking into lampposts and falling in holes, and say;
‘Hurr hurr hurr stupid zombies.’?
Thankfully, 2-4-5 Trioxin has a different effect on the elephant physiology.
It doesn’t mutate elephants into meandering, rotting corpses. It makes them grow to incredible size and causes their hides to become almost impervious to injury.
Maybe thankfully.
Maybe not.
Maybe zombie elephants would be easier to deal with than massive, armoured, pissed off elephants.
Who knows?
Oddly, the sex organs do not grow in proportion to the rest of the body. The bull elephants are really, really pissed about that.
The infection from those original elephants rapidly spread through the worldwide elephant population.
Most of the cases were from the Annual Pachyderm Mouse and Rodent Extermination Group Conference. Letting that many elephants all meet up in one place was a mistake in hindsight, but who could have predicted this!!
Elephants are usually so well behaved. Sure they take up two seats on the plane but all their luggage is carry on. (Their trunk, yeah? geddit? ha ha)
(hahahaha-measickmanpleasesendhelp)
The outcome of all this is rampaging gangs of elephants destroying cities around the world with little mercy and even less pity.
The huge piles of shit left behind when their hoof pad things have taken them elsewhere, is all that remains for the small number of survivors.
Scientists and the greatest minds on the planet are desperately trying to come up with a solution to Elephantageddon with no success.
A plan was hatched which could have worked.
Call Godzilla!
He can have a good, old-fashioned scrap with the elephant horde, kick their grey butts and we can all have elephant burgers for lunch. It was a brilliant plan. Enormously complicated in its sheer simplicity.
Then someone realised that Godzilla was a fictional monster and didn’t actually exist and that plan was kicked right to bottom of Wank Mountain to rot in eternity amongst all the other shit plans people have had.
(Yeah Prime Minister Chamberlain. I’m talking to you.
“Adolf’s actually a really groovy dude.” He said.
“He just wants a bit of extra room for his new sofa.” He said.
“It’s not really a blitzkrieg. It’s more, like, you know, a pillow fight, or something. I need to lie down.”
He didn’t say much else after that.)
The governments of the world got their misshapen heads together.
In some cases, this actually resulted in combined brain power equivalent to almost several lemmings!
“Let’s just bullshit everyone and hope they go away.” They said. Like many times before.
It’s excuse number one in the ‘Penguin Bumper Book of Government Buck Passing’.
Number two is ‘Blame the Greeks’.
Don’t ask me why. What did the Greeks ever do?
Apart from invent democracy and be partial to a bit of animal buggery and casual paedophilia?
The Greeks use a different book entirely. I have no idea what it says.
It’s all Greek to me.
The governments invented the whole ‘Novel Coronavirus Covid 19 Death-Virus-Wibbly-Wibbly-Looks-Like-A-Crown-Don’t-It Respiratory Disease’ as a smokescreen to keep the population inside as much as possible, lest they attract the horde with poorly controlled cream buns.
People have been saying this stuff for months:
- “Covid is rubbish.”
- “It’s all just made up so the government can…they can…they’ll make us…stay at home…not go pub…me can’t think…head hurty….”
- “But, only 0.05% of people will die so what are we scared about.
Numbers don’t lie.
Unless they do.
But I get all my info from YouTube so I stand by my data.
Why would they lie?
They would lie (points at one group of people).
But they wouldn’t (points in opposite direction at a different group of people).
I’m not arbitrarily deciding what is true and what is false based on my own preconceived beliefs.
I’m not just labelling evidence that agrees with my theories as ‘facts’ then discounting evidence that doesn’t agree with my theories as ‘lies’ at all.
Discarding viable evidence solely because it does not fit into my tiny world view is perfectly normal and not ridiculous in any way.
I am an intelligent human being who is more than capable of critical thought and I don’t just believe what some bloke down the pub said.
How dare you insinuate that!!
Now please excuse me, I have to boil some cucumbers and give them as a sacrifice to the monkey god who lives up my chimney.”
- “I’ve never met anyone who has it, it must not exist ‘cos if I haven’t seen something with my own eyes, it cannot possibly exist. The moon is just half a sphere really. There’s nothing round the back but cogs and pulleys.”
- “Durr, lemon gone stingy in mine seeing ball!”
- “Shit! The cat found my gun. Run for your fucking lives!!!”
And other things like that.
Well, they were partially right.
Covid is a lie.
And Felix did shoot up a bar in Sheffield over an argument about a tuna sandwich, then stole a car and headed for Mexico.
But the Covid lie thing is the more important part of that duo of statements.
They were right in saying Covid was a lie. They were just wrong about the reason for why it was did.
FUCKING ENORMOUS ELEPHANTS!!!!
Stamping on shit.
Causing gale force wind gusts with their flappy ears.
Farting viciously at anyone they see.
Knocking buildings down with their trunks.
Packing their trunks with billiard balls to cause even more destruction.
Firing those billiard balls, covered in nasal mucus and boogers, at military strike planes and old ladies wearing knitted hats.
Generally being mischievous buggers.
The governments want us out of the way and unable to make matters worse while they attempt to deal with the situation.
The only defence which has been suggested so far is battalions of specially trained capybara armed with peanut rifles.
Chosen for their visual similarity to mice, it is thought the elephants will scream like girls and run off when the capybara approach. If not, the peanut rifles can be used to lay a trail of nuts that the elephants will unconsciously follow.
Even the brainiacs who came up with this plan admit it is likely to fail.
“Fuck this for an idea. We’re screwed. We can’t base global defence on something someone once saw in a Tom & Jerry cartoon.
Christ on a moped.
We are so screwed!”
Said a spokesperson for the top secret think tank assigned to save us all from certain doom.
You must be vigilant.
Watch for the horde.
You now know the truth.
Stay indoors as much as possible.
Keep cream buns under strict supervision.
Do not, under any circumstances, eat peanuts.
(They’re just baby trees anyway, how cruel are you?)
If you hear the rumble of distant thunder; run.
It may not be thunder.
It may be a gang of wise ass elephants. Chewing toothpicks and pulling out flick knives (from somewhere!).
Flipping coins nonchalantly in the air like The Jets and The Sharks from West Side Story.
If you hear far off trumpeting it may not be your curry loving neighbour explosively farting after a mind blowing madras.
It may not be the ghost of Louis Armstrong blowing his bugle in your basement.
(I personally, have had enough of Satchmo and his penchant for tickling his trombone below ground and I think there should be a law against that sort of thing).
It may be neither of those things.
It may be the approach of certain doom on weird, cake shaped, pad feet with toenails.
Gather only your most valuable possessions (Grandma will be fine, they’re immune to elephant) and head for the hills!
We need to wake up.
The Elephantiasis Elephants are real.
They are destroying our world and they want nothing more than the complete and total destruction of our civilisation.
They have never forgotten that time Richard Attenborough called their Aunt Shiela a ‘fat, mouthy bitch’ and then took more than his fair share of sherry trifle from the buffet at Iris’s wedding reception.
Be vigilant.
Watch the part of the sky which is not quite, you know, the sky, like, where planes and shit fly, but still the sky bit not the ground bit but the bit where massive elephants would be.
I admit, as a slogan, that’s not very catchy. I need to work on it.
Maybe we can sort the elephants out by blinding them?
Poke the Pachyderms in the Peepers?
Maybe not.
Stay safe out there people.
Watch out for all that truth too.
It’s all over the damn place. Some fucker should tidy it all up before some of it gets lost or someone loses an eye.
