Cruising Altitude of Squid.


It is in the human race’s best interests to finally answer the question that has plagued mankind for centuries. What is the maximum cruising altitude of a squid fired from a squid canon?


Squid Head

In July of 1990 a crack team of scientists and brave hearted volunteers came together in a small Derbyshire town.

Funded by Birdseye Potato Waffles, (they’re waffley versatile) they embarked on a glorious quest for the betterment of all mankind.

For many centuries a question had hung over the heads of scientists and philosophers, a question that few dreamed would ever be answered.

A greater mystery than the heliocentric nature of the solar system.
A greater question than the decay rate of unstable isotopes of uranium.
A greater question than the mystery of dark matter.
A greater question even than the very nature of life itself.

What exactly is the maximum cruising altitude of a squid fired from a squid canon?

Early mistakes were made. The firing of multiple squid from a single squid canon was quickly established to be the greatest of those errors. It resulted in discharge that was significantly less squid like than originally intended and extremely unpleasant.

Once a multiple squid canon battery solution was implemented, the experiments ran more smoothly. With far less mess.

A reliable squid canon method, however, was just the first of the problems to be solved.

“How shall we observe the flying squid?” asked the scientists.

One scientist in particular, Cecil Snodgrass, was particularly vexed by this question. So much so that it took over his very dreams and he eventually quit the scientific community, married a llama and absconded to Venezuela, never to be heard from again.

But back to the problem, how?

Then, one evening, I think it was a Tuesday, a young man stepped out of the shadows.

He was full of valour, bravery, courage and high strength lager and possessed of an enquiring mind, an iron will and a limited edition action man still in its original packaging.

“I shall solve this problem,” he said, “for we must find out how high the octopi fly”.

“Load the canons, I shall drink a large amount of Pepsi Max and place this latex prophylactic over my head. The resulting belches, contained within the impromptu helmet, ribbed for her pleasure, will carry me aloft where I will visually confirm the squid in their unnatural environment.”

The experiment was conducted and a new age began for mankind.
An age with one less mystery within.
An age where man finally understood that firing squid aloft from a canon and letting a young man with a condom full of burps attempt to rise up with them was really fucking stupid and proved only that squid out of water suffocate really quite quickly and condoms full of gas are not flight-worthy.

At all.