After receiving a tip off from a disturbed member of the public, I was tasked with investigating the mysterious, dangerous and highly illegal world of ‘Chickens Near Goats’.
As we all know, usually to our detriment, chickens and goats are mortal enemies.
When chickens come into contact with goats, carnage always ensues.
It is a universal truth in life that if you should ever encounter a chicken near a goat, your best bet is to vacate the area as quickly as possible.
In fact, to eliminate the dangers presented by chickens near goats, there is currently a campaign backed by every decent and democratic government across the globe to furnish every citizen with a government issued ‘Chicken/Goat Escape Moped’ to enable the swift removal of innocent civilians from any and all chicken/goat related scenarios.
This campaign is gathering strength, especially with the influential celebrity endorsements by such high profile stars as Ainsley Harriot, Paul O’Grady, Frank Walker, Wibbly Fred Tabernackle and Wolf from Gladiators, but it has yet to be accepted fully by the world’s leaders
We can only hope this situation changes soon. Too many people have been injured, or even killed, in pointless chicken/goat accidents that could have easily been averted!
I would encourage anyone reading this to join the campaign to end chicken/goat incidents once and for all.
Write to your local government representative and demand change!
It was made apparent to the Chronicle, however, that certain individuals actually relish the death, destruction and chaos provided by purposely placing chickens in the immediate vicinity of goats, recording the events and uploading them to the interwebs, whatever they are.
Similarly sick individuals all around the world pay a high price to view this footage and gamble on the outcomes. It’s a very lucrative business and often goes hand in hand with other disgusting ‘sports’.
These include, but are not limited to:
- Placing a cow into a machine and squeezing it’s nipples until they bleed and then bottling and selling the creamy, white blood all around the world. It’s fallaciously promised that the cow juice promotes strong bones and a bigger right testicle!
- Gathering and collecting hard chicken turds and again selling them to a select clientele on the black market. Named ‘eggs’ after the strange noise emitted by chickens when they drop these weird, hard-skinned shits, the chicken turds are cracked open and the gooey substance inside is consumed. This is especially popular on the Asian black market where the substance is combined with flies and ground rodent corpses and consumed with prawn crackers. This delicacy, supposed to have aphrodisiac qualities, is known as ‘Egg Flies Mice’
- The growing and harvesting of illicit plants in huge fields. These plants form knobbly, fleshy bulbs in their root systems which are dug up and consumed in many different ways. Known by the romantic sounding name of ‘Pomme de Terre’, they are rumoured to increase fertility and virility and consumed all over the world. Yet they are highly addictive, especially when fried, and cause many people to lose their shit in spectacular ways!
There are many purpose built buildings, usually far out in the countryside away from prying eyes, known simply as ‘farms’, where these disgusting practices are practiced.
The police are powerless to stop this sort of thing going on as they are too busy eating doughnuts and harassing old ladies in knitted hats.
I personally travelled out to the countryside to attempt to gain access to one of these ‘farms’, but got lost in a forest and lived as a feral wild man for several weeks.
After my supplies had run out, and I had eaten all the mushrooms I could find, I was adopted by a pack of wolves, who I soon killed and ate one by one.
After that, I joined a tribe of native people called the Unlikelystorypeeps who had somehow remained undiscovered in a small woodland near Macclesfield. After I had amazed the tribal elders with my ability to tickle squirrels and play the songs of Johnny Cash on the nose trumpet, they honoured me with a name in their own language:
‘Arseypantsfull’.
This roughly translates as: ‘Walks Like He’s Shit Himself’.
After several months with the Unlikelystorypeeps, I killed and ate them one by one.
After that, I managed to stumble out of the trees into a large retail park. I was back in civilization!
I visited the nearby McDonald’s restaurant for my first real food in months.
Then I killed and ate all the staff one by one and caught the bus back to the office.
At this point I had basically given up on the whole chickens near goats thing and just wanted a hot bath and a Pot Noodle but, not one to give up on a story, I sent a junior reporter out to gather some evidence.
He came back with a partial dossier, obtained from an anonymous source, which contained some fascinating details of the chickens near goats scandal.
I was surprised to find that, not only was chickens near goats an actual thing, but there were even famous chickens and famous goats!
Participants in the chickens near goats underworld who had been so successful that they had achieved the same sort of fame as that dog who said ‘bollocks’ a few years back.
I was further surprised to find that, in some cases, chickens and goats had put aside their age old rivalry and bloodlust to form chicken/goat tag teams. Both chicken and goat, working together in harmony, to fight other chicken/goat tag teams!
During my time eating various fungi, animals and people in the woods, the sport had evolved to become something almost completely, but not quite, totally different in every way except in the ways that it remained fundamentally the same!
The incomplete dossier contained several biographies of some of these ‘stars’, obviously with the intent of increasing interest, and therefore ticket prices, in the illicit chickens near goats world!
Here follows the contents of the incomplete dossier, procured at great expense and cost by myself, your gallant reporter, and not at all nicked from the work experience kid.
Chickens Near Goats No. 432.
Nigel McGillicuddy, the world’s only known chicken goat.
(Capra Gallus Domesticus)
Likes late night walks along the beach and bashing his skull against trees.
Chickens Near Goats No. 232.
‘Parenthesis Injection’ (chicken) and ‘Carol’ (goat).
Parenthesis Injection and Carol pictured here after falling out while playing ‘Trivial Pursuit’.
They have since made up and now live in Malibu and sell tie-dyed T-Shirts to tourists.
Chickens Near Goats No. 42.
Roddy Romber Rooster, King of the Barn, Slayer of the Grizzled Ferret and Master of Kung Fu (chicken) and Doris Nubernavel (goat).
Doris and Roddy pictured here around 47 minutes after Roddy slipped some LSD into the goat’s water trough.
Doris experienced what she described as:
“A serious, like, whatsit….eureka thing….like, a revelation or something.”
She went on to write four bestselling self-help books under the nom de plume “Henrietta Hagerty-Jones”.
Roddy took up professional alcoholism and regular falls into the water butt.
Chickens Near Goats No. 711.
‘The Infernal Pooper’ (chicken – left), “Klaxon With Slacks On’ (chicken – right) and the Bacon Bashing Bartolotzi Brothers’ (goats, from left to right: Terry, Garry and Larry)
Famous worldwide for their hatred of pigs, and the porcine massacres they have taken part in, this group of ne’er-do-wells move from farm to farm waging war on any pig population they find.
They are also not that keen on ducks.
Chickens Near Goats No. 39.
Esmerelda Gubbinsniffler (goat) and Dennis (chicken)
Esmerelda and Dennis don’t even know each other. They just happened to be in the same field when this photograph was taken.
Esmerelda was attending a book signing of her favourite author, Henrietta Hagerty Jones, and Dennis was looking for his pet dog, Wilbur.
Don’t worry animal lovers, Dennis eventually found Wilbur. In The Netherlands. Stoned out of his mind and married to a tomcat named Sly.
Chickens Near Goats No. 392.
‘MC Knobbly Knees’ (goat – far left), his bodyguards; ‘Reximillion Farnborough’ (white goat – left), and ‘Chute’ (white goat – right) and his business advisor and agent ‘Mr. Martin Lowell’ (chicken).
Photographed here during a break in recording MC Knobbly’s third album ‘Straight Outta the Barn’.
Chickens Near Goats No. 54.
‘Lance’ (goat) and his harem. From left to right; Priscilla, Flippy, Oblong, Liz, Stinker, Grabby and Helen.
Lance suffers from a severe mutation in his DNA which causes him to resemble a small rabbit.
He gets very upset when anyone ever mentions this and is definitely, positively, absolutely, 100% goat.
The harem think Lance is full of shit and he’s just after some free food and a nice place to sleep.
After investigating chickens near goats, I stumbled onto the even more mysteriousierlyier practice of chickens ON goats.
Further down the rabbit hole indeed.
This is where a particularly evil chicken has located a monumentally stupid and docile goat, trained the goat to be his/her personal servant and rides it around like a horse collecting the souls of the damned.
Chickens On Goats No. 23.
‘The Harvester of Souls’ (chicken) and his mount; ‘Graham’.
The Harvester of Souls has harvested 348 and a half souls in his life (he intends to return for the other half of mine at some point.)
I’m ready for him – let him come.
Graham has harvested 1 soul (accidentally standing on a shrew).
Graham hopes to one day be a panda.
Chickens On Goats No. 621.
“Blackest Fiend From the Fart Pit of Filth’ (aka Barry) and his mount; ‘Ethel the Fearless’.
Barry is new on the soul harvester scene, having previously been a head waiter at The Ritz in London.
He has only harvested a single soul at the time of writing.
Suffering a massive guilt attack, Barry went into rehab for his drug addiction and sought specialist help.
Good luck in the future Barry!!
Ethel is just a dumb goat. She likes eating her own shit and pulling faces at cows.
Ethel refuses to walk forwards unless Barry is facing the other way. She says it makes her feel self-conscious.
This resulted in an odd situation where Barry had to make a choice;
Go everywhere backwards so Ethel would walk forwards, or go everywhere forwards but suffer the regular occurrence of Ethel walking into things and falling in holes as she was walking backwards and couldn’t see where she was going.
Barry initially coped well, inventing a hat with mirrors on so Ethel could see where she was going.
This work around failed as Ethel ate the hat as soon as it was placed on her head.
Barry created a similar hat for himself but Ethel ate that too.
And part of Barry’s wobbly, red head thing.
This cannot have helped Barry’s mental problems.
Chickens On Goats No.666.
‘The Three Goatmen of the Apocalypse…..and Frank’.
A riddle, wrapped in mystery, inside an enigma, placed in a small box and poked down the back of the fridge.
The Three Goatmen and Frank, three chickens on a solitary goat, are a rarity in the already rare world of chickens on goats.
The Three Goatmen, from back to front; War, Vegan and Heartburn, have set out on a mission to wipe out the entirety of life, the universe and everything.
They didn’t know how to fully attain their goals at the time of writing but, in the meantime, had racked up a very impressive 129,312 souls collectively.
Frank is another dumb goat. He likes having freaky, keyhole eyes, marigolds and skydiving.
Frank has been learning the soul harvester trade from The Three Goatmen, becoming a soul apprentice.
He has harvested 21 souls at the time of writing.
All of them snails.
Chickens On Goats No. 902.
‘Baron Von Monkeynuts Von Burger Van Morrsion’ (chicken) and ‘Cedric’ (goat).
Baron Von Monkeynuts is a very angry chicken.
Evil to the core, the Baron graduated top of his class at the prestigious ‘Avabit Othat Youmuppet University in Prague.
He was tipped to be the new Tippus McNamara (the current soul harvesting record holder) in his younger days.
Much was also said about his young steed, Cedric, too, until the unfortunate accident with the elephant and the maple syrup barrel. Since then, Cedric has won ‘No. 1 Stupid Goat’ for the last fifteen years.
Cedric falls over.
All the time.
He gets scared by trees.
And rocks.
He can’t tell left from right.
He basically wanders around wherever he likes, eating stuff and vomiting.
The Baron had the staggering misfortune to be riding Cedric at the time of the accident.
His legs being pulverised and mangled, the Baron is now a cripple, stuck forever on the back of a stupid goat.
Heartstrings are pulled wherever the mournful pair can be heard or seen.
The Baron, spinning around on Cedric’s back, gesticulating wildly and swearing while Cedric walks head first into yet another tree.
Chickens On Goats No. 84.
‘The Countess of All Things Gory and Wallpaper Paste’ (chicken – retired) and ‘Super Greg’.
One of the few hens in the world of soul harvesting, The Countess is now retired, having harvested 13,233 souls in her playing career. She is respected throughout the world.
Super Greg is one of the smartest, stupid goats around. He is internationally recognised for his partnership with The Countess.
Super Greg started life as simply; ‘Greg’.
A poor woodcutter-goats son-goat, Greg grew up in the goat-slums of Goat-Belfast.
He learned to be streetwise on the harsh goat-streets of Goat-Belfast and this goat-skill aided him in his goat-quest to become the greatest goat that ever was been had ever had been in all time foreverer.
Greg made his goat-father goat-proud when he finally goat-rose to the goat-pinnacle of his goat-career
Super Greg rarely falls over and can concentrate on one thing for up to a minute!
The ‘Super’ title is the highest honour that can be bestowed on a goat.
Chickens On Goats No. 13291002a.
‘Ebenzer the Wise’ (chicken) and his mount; ‘Squishy Melvin’.
Ebenezer is the only known soul harvester to have turned good.
After harvesting 32,195 souls, Ebenezer fell in the shower and knocked himself unconscious. Upon waking, he had no memory of his life before that moment.
After conversing with his mount, Squishy Melvin, who told him about his past, Ebenezer was horrified and immediately set out on a quest to vanquish all other soul harvesters and make up for the evil acts he had committed in his career as a soul harvester.
Squishy Melvin just goes along with whatever. As long as he gets at least one rotten turnip a week, he’s happy.
Squishy Melvin knows more than he’s letting on.
Who would have believed that underneath the underground world of chickens NEAR goats, was another under-underground world of chickens ON goats?
Who would further believe, that under the underground world of the underground world, there was a further under-under-underground world of chickens near stoats?
Chickens Near Stoats No. 2.
Many specially trained flies died in the obtaining of this image.
‘Dances With Warm Jelly’ (stoat), ‘Ultimate Seedbag’ (chicken – left), ‘Pancake Patrick’ (chicken – middle) and ‘Willy Buttsnuffle’ (chicken – right).
Dances With Warm Jelly and his three chicken henchmen, rule the roost in South Bridlington. If something bad goes down, you can bet these crooks had a hand in it. Or a claw. Or a weird chicken foot.
Who would have believed that underneath the underground world of chickens NEAR goats, was another under-underground world of chickens ON goats?
Who would further believe, that under the underground world of the underground world, there was a further under-under-underground world of chickens near stoats?
Who would even furtherer believerer that underneath the under-under-underground world of chickens near stoats, that there was yet another underground underneath undercooked underworld of lichen near stoats?!?!?!?
Lichen Near Stoats No 94.2.
‘Cheesecake’ (stoat) and ‘Fangly Spangly Pants’ (lichen)
Cheesecake and Fangly Spangly Pants seen here competing in the 2017 ‘Offroad Marathon For No Reason’.
They came last.
Cheesecake was very angry.
Fangly Spangly Pants didn’t give a shit, insisting that he had told Cheesecake he was a lichen several times and that entering any kind of distance race with a stationary lifeform was fraught with problems.
Lichen Near Stoats No. W.
‘Kirk Douglas’ (stoat – left), ‘Bruce John Wayne’ (stoat – right) and ‘Wattling Bucket’ (lichen).
This image was taken just before the Bouillabaisse Riots of 2013.
It was all Kirk’s fault.
He never should have punched that fish. It all kicked off after that.
Old Wattling never deserved what happened to him. He was just minding his own business.
He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
He had just nipped out to the shop for a packet of fags. He turned the corner to have all kinds of hell rain down on him.
Poor guy.
Here’s to you Wattling Bucket! We won’t see your like again.
Lichen Near Stoats No. MMXXV.
‘Pop Tart’ (stoat) and ‘Big Arthur’ (lichen).
Big Arthur is a gangland boss. He has taken many lives. He revels in chaos and carnage. His soul is soaked in the blood of the innocent. He is evil.
Pop Tart is a cute, little stoat.
The pair are pictured here taking part in the International Tag Team Hide and Seek Championship in 2019.
They won!
Afterwards Pop Tart took a piss on Big Arthur, ripped him from his rock with one foot/paw/claw and cast his lifeless corpse into the valley below.
Turns out Pop Tart had spent years tracking Big Arthur down and concocting a plan to get close enough to him to get revenge for the killing of some bloke he met in the chippy when he was young. Really nice bloke he was. Forget his name.
Chickens Near Goats Near Lichen Near Stoats No. I dunno, like 4?
‘Tinsel Tassleworm’ (tree), “Namey McNameyface’ (rock) and ‘Some Other Thing’ (thing).
Who would have believed, blah, some words, blah blah, some other words. Amazing!
Wow!
Who woulda thunk it? Blah blah blah.
Them wossnames from earlier and some other whojamacallits from roughly the same period, doing stuff.
Things maybe.
Activities.
Angin’ aboot.
Chickens near goats near lichen near stoats. Wow! Amazing! Probably near some boats too!
Yeah. Bound to be.
