*Soon is a subjective term and we give no guarantee when, or if, this movie will actually be released.
*Maybe not ‘near’ you. Alright, maybe quite a long way away. Alright, three buses, one train, a taxi and a tuc-tuc away – okay, okay, we get it, there should be more theatres around but what with picking the weevils out of biscuits and sorting out that lemming problem (sooooooo many lemmings!) we haven’t had time to build any.
COMING AT SOME POINT (MAYBE) TO A THEATRE SOME DISTANCE AWAY:
ANDY CRANE AND THE REVENGE OF THE UNIVERSAL SERIAL BUS!
In a world where every sentence is started with the words: ‘in a world where…’, one man begins a quest.
A quest that will unite humankind under one banner of peace.
A quest that will eliminate hunger, pain and suffering and usher in a new golden age of human civilisation.
A quest that dwarves all quests before it, including that one about the ping pong ball and the chicken’s foot covered in glitter.
That was awesome.
Remember that one?
When that guy did the triple backflip while still holding his lobster a l’orange? Beat those other guys up with one claw while eating the other?
Amazing!
And that beagle chase!
Wow!
I never knew beagles could run that fast!
Or do decopage!
Who knew?
Great quest. One for the history books that one.
Anyway, this quest makes that quest look like your Gran emptying her colostomy bag down the kitchen sink while you’re cooking your dinner.
This man, a solitary man; a man who stands alone, which makes a lot of sense.
A solitary man is hardly going to be standing with a group of his mates would he?
This solitary man is solitary. Standing alone on his own with no one else around.
This man, Andy Crane, will change the course of history and the future of mankind.
(But of course, changing the future of mankind is easy, we all do it all the time:
That egg exploded.
I got hot yolk in the eye and ran outside screaming.
A magpie was startled and flew off.
The magpie’s bowels evacuated as it flew away, terrified, and a passing child was hit in the face.
The child stumbled and stubbed his toe and decided he would give it up for the day, go home and watch the telly instead.
He didn’t go and meet his friends who didn’t go for a touching, inspiring journey of self-discovery down some railway lines to see a dead body and that movie never got made.
River Phoenix didn’t die and continued making movies until his looks faded and people finally realised how shit an actor he was.
Eventually, his star waned and he ended up presenting GMTV on British TV and I never had to see that goat faced moron Piers Morgan’s ugly mug ever again while changing the future fate of mankind in the process. Or something.)
Don’t ask me how all that shit works out with regard to time and space, yolk dynamics, butterscotch effects and the inevitable crushing hand of fate deciding all for those that walk this mortal coil.
I don’t know. I just do what the voices tell me, alright?
Hi I’m Brad, have we met? I write bullshit for my own infantile amusement.
Anyway, Andy Crane.
A man on a quest.
A man in a vest.
A nice blue one with venting up the sides, little gold tassley bits and a very handy pocket.
A man feeling the pain of lost love; a yearning for a former time.
A man who has been parted from the one he loves by a sinister government agency of some kind.
Why not? Chuck that in the plot too. Everyone else does.
Then I can always bail if I have no idea how to end it by just having the FBI turn up and arrest everyone like they knew what was happening the whole time but decided to ignore it all until the final scene.
Maybe they were on their lunch break? I did hear it was tacos in the cafeteria today.
A man. I think. Probably a man. Although Andy can be a girl’s name too, but this one’s a man.
The world is in peril. Real peril. Perilous peril.
Aliens have invaded, there’s a major war, some tectonic plates have gone out on a booze up and there’s earthquakes and tsunamis and shit everywhere. The Sun is about to explode and implode at the same time and Piers Morgan is running for Prime Minister and may actually win!
Above all the smoke and debris, death and destruction, stands one man.
One Andy.
Alone but internally warmed by the memory of a loving gopher. He will fight for himself but in doing so will somehow solve all the other problems and bring about Utopia.
Andy must go on a terrible journey, finding shit along the way, losing other shit, falling down holes and riding camels.
He must quest through dank, dark, disgusting, dirty, dangerous caves to find an artifact hidden long ago.
His phone charging cable.
Beset on all sides by advancing armies of lethal Christmas decorations, Andy must fight his way to the centre of, I dunno, a large office building? An airport? Central Park? Pick one.
He must fight his way there, gopherless, and rest his mortal hands on the golden data cable.
Once in his grasp he will use its power to save the day.
Charge his phone and order that pizza.
Then the FBI arrive in black SUVs and arrest everyone.
And they’re all wearing sunglasses.
In November.
I mean why?
To keep your identity a bit mysterious?
Little tip: if you want to remain aloof and mysterious and you choose to do this by wearing sunglasses all the time, don’t show everyone you meet your photographic identification, it kinda spoils the effect.
