The new, government subsidised Costa Living Holiday Resort is the answer to the problem, experienced by many, of expensive, unaffordable holidays.
Apply now and you could soon be heading off to sunny Spain for the best holiday experience of your life.
(A waiting period of 36-48 months applies)
Your dream destination in the sun awaits with all transport included in the cost.
(Current costs are 8,182 per person, per night. Costs are expected to rise significantly in line with inflation, the CPI* and any other reason we can come up with.)
*Crafty Plunder Index
(Transport is via the government subsidised ‘Wide Area Nautical Kinetic Exodus Riding System’ or W.A.N.K.E.R.S. for short.
This consists of a giant inflatable banana with a maximum occupancy of 2.769 people being pulled by a single aquatic donkey** led by Steamy Frank Buttmagnet and his son, Sphincter Boy Jones at speeds of up to, but not including, 1kph!)
**An ordinary donkey called Gavin wearing flippers, a ‘kiss me quick’ hat and a snorkel.
Once you have completed your journey to the Mediterranean coastline of Spain, which on average takes just 3 short months, you will arrive at the most luxurious, modern and beautiful holiday resort in the small area where this holiday resort, and no others, are located.
Your first view of this awesome resort is the stunning gardens. No expense has been expended at all to construct these beautiful, not manicured or cultivated in any way, gardens, consisting of natural, indigenous plants our skilled botanists, Trev and Steve, nicked from the side of the roads nearby.
Wander through the flora at your leisure safe in the knowledge that at least some of the used syringes have been cleaned up and the rumours of huge, terrifying, man-eating rats in the area have not been substantiated. The discovery of many mutilated corpses in the gardens is probably not related and purely coincidental.
Perhaps you have rented a car or opted to drive to your destination in your own vehicle? Have no fear, we have provided secure parking to keep your car safe from the bands of murderous brigands and thieves active in the area.
Now it’s time to head inside the main building and check in at our modern reception. Here you will be asked to hand over all your valuables*, give some blood, bone marrow and spinal fluid, submit to a full cavity search and be electronically tagged so staff can monitor your movements at all times.
A valid credit card is also required so we can bill you for all ‘incidentals’. Which we will. Whether there is any or not. We will bill you for shit you have never even heard of. Because we can. Because fuck you. It’s all part of the service.
You will also be required to hand over your passport. Which we will sell on the black market. How you get home without it is not our problem. Deal with that shit yourself.
*Your valuables will not be retuned to you upon your departure; they’ve already been sold on three separate times by then you dumbass.
Once successfully checked in, you are free to take advantage of all our facilities however you see fit.
Check out our spectacular Art Deco hallway. Designed to fascinate the senses with an awesome display of colour and light. Designed that way but not actually built that way ‘cos, in the end, we couldn’t be arsed and we spent the funds allocated to it on whisky and weed.
Ascend the amazing central staircase, guaranteed to not collapse and kill you and your whole family*, and enter our ‘Garden Dining Room’.
*Staircase will collapse. No guarantee will be honoured. It’s your problem.
Here, you can partake in a light snack of crispy shit in a shoe or a bucket of chicken butts amongst the definitely not carnivorous plants that we definitely deliberately planted there. They’re not there because they just forced their way in despite everything we tried to stop them; including using a flamethrower and hydrochloric acid grenades.
Don’t worry too much if you are waiting a while for service, your waiting staff has probably just been eaten by the plants. This is normal and new staff will be along any minute. We have a deal with the local maximum-security prison (which is just a stone’s throw away and really worth a visit) to supply a steady stream of convicts to take care of you.
Don’t really fancy just a snack?
Then head to our main dining room with seating for up to one people. The chair is damp and infested with sharks but it will still hold you up for a few minutes. Maybe.
Here you can sample our full menu including roasted dog tongues, baked elephant foreskins and the world famous* sauteed African child on toast.
*World famous in this case meaning on the W.H.O. list of most disgusting crimes against humanity.
After your repast, why not take in some entertainment at one of our auditoriums. There are three fantastic choices for you.
At our two indoor auditoriums, we have regular shows by ‘Wicked Willie the Kiddie Fiddler’, ‘Sarcastic Steph and her Vanishing Boob’ and ‘The Baghdad National IED Victim Show’. All not to be missed!
At our outdoor arena we have ‘The Spectacular Kevin’ performing his hilarious magic show where he makes audience member’s internal organs disappear using only a bath full of ice and a sharpened spoon.
Warning: The outdoor arena is constructed entirely of corrugated asbestos so it may be advisable to wear a full haz-mat suit if you plan to attend. We cannot and will not be held responsible for any respiratory diseases, melted lungs, scabby eyeballs or possible future birth defects resulting from being in the presence of the largest concentration of asbestos in the world.
Ready for a little fun? Want to let your hair down and party? Take advantage of our two bars. Luxurious and stocked with every alcoholic drink known to man*. Fill your glasses and really have some fun!
*Only two alcoholic beverages are actually available: Pernod and some horrible home brew lager kindly donated by Icky Larry, a local fisherman.
Are you more of a health-conscious holiday maker? Then perhaps take a look at our amazing sports complex.
From your first sight of the sports complex, it’s easy to see you are entering a well equipped, modern sports facility. Make your way inside via the entrance stairway inspired by the surrealism movement, to the main sports arena,
Here is a brief overview of the sports and games NOT provided at the sports complex:
- Tennis.
- Badminton.
- Squash.
- Indoor soccer.
- Basketball.
- Netball.
- Handball.
- Swimming.
- Pool and snooker tables.
- Video games.
- Table hockey.
In fact, think of a sport or game and we can promise it is NOT catered for at our fantastic sports complex.
We do have an old table tennis table but we don’t have bats or any balls.
There’s a dead rat in one of the rooms you can kick around, at least until it decomposes a bit more and goes all ‘juicy’, and there’s a broken pool cue which can be used by our patrons to beat each other with. You’ll know which end is the ‘business end’ as it is covered in blood stains. We found it in the woods and have no idea where it came from so please don’t ask staff who the blood belonged to.
Why not relax at our spa. Soak your bones and let the stress of life just melt away. Your feet and sexual organs might melt away too but don’t panic, it’s just the toxic waste in the water doing its job. It’s perfectly safe*.
*It’s not.
Outside in the main courtyards, lies the number one facility on the complex. Our swimming pools. Surrounded by native flora and fauna* the beauty of the pool areas is only matched by the level of relaxation and contentment that can be found there by our patrons. At least by those that haven’t died from dysentery by this point. Soak up the sun and relax in the crystal-clear water** while our trained staff cater to your every need***.
*weeds, carnivorous trees, sprout shrubs and broccoli bushes.
**Some excess water pumped in from the methylated spirits distillery next door. It’s only slightly corrosive. It’s actually good for you to have a little skin burned off. Ask any doctor as long as it’s Dr. Nails down the road who will literally say anything for the right price. The water being a murky brown colour is a ‘feature’.
***They won’t. They will probably just tell you to fuck off. If you can find them. Which you won’t. They will all just be hanging around in the basement smoking meth, as usual.
Our pools are drained, professionally cleaned and refilled with fresh water every five years and at least one of them isn’t full of leaks so it holds some water for up to 27 minutes after being re-filled.
We use top of the range chemicals to keep the water clean and suitable for bathing, such as arsenic, benzene, cadmium 7, lead and mercury.
Our pools only contain a few used syringes, a small amount of broken glass and rusty nails, just one, partially decomposed, corpse and hardly any uranium 235.
We ensure our pool water is flooded with only the best verruca and wart spores and the cleanest and most virulent strains of typhoid, cholera, giardia, hepatitis a, E. coli, and salmonella.
We want our patrons to have the best of everything.
For the kids: there are a range of facilities where they can play and have fun safe under the watchful eye of Vladimir the Purplish, our child safety manager. Vlad is fully trained in childcare and those convictions were many, many years ago and he swears he’s changed now. While many wouldn’t believe him or leave him alone with any children, we do.
Most of the rides and play equipment was purchased from Chernobyl City Council at great expense and can therefore be easily found at night or when the weather is a little dark and stormy, (which it usually is) purely by the fact that it glows in the dark. It’s a wonderful safety feature. Don’t be concerned too much about the radiation, it’s unlikely to kill your children right away. Radiation poisoning can take years.
If you need to do some work while you’re on holiday, take advantage of our state-of-the-art business centre. We have a lightning fast 28kbps internet connection and four (that’s right, four!) BBC Acorn computers!
These awesome machines are fully equipped with 5¼ inch floppy disk drives, 2MHz MOS tech 6502 CPU, 128k of memory, 20MB hard drive, 4 channel sound and 640×256, 8 colour graphics!
Looking for something a little bit different? Head to our gorgeous marina and take a boat trip. The raw sewage from the nearby urban sprawl can be easily avoided and there’s hardly any debris floating around from the explosion we don’t talk about. Most of the bigger bits have sunk and the smaller, radioactive bits have largely floated out to sea.
Icky Larry, the fisherman, can usually be found hanging around and he is more than happy to take visitors on a guided cruise up and down the coast where you can see such wonders as: the maximum security prison, the nuclear power station (3 days without an accident at the time of writing!), the biggest asylum seeker camp in Northern Europe, the battery factory, the Adolf Hitler Museum, the other battery factory, the corrosive chemical storage facility, the other battery factory and the House of Murderers!
If you are so inclined, Larry will take you out for a little fishing where you can catch sarcastic fringehead, blue bastards, blobfish, wahoo fish, fangtooth fish, bony-eared assfish, slippery dicks, humuhumunukunukuapua’a, obese dragonfish and cookie cutter sharks.
We have range of choices for your accommodation for any budget.
Book one of our woodland cabins for that private holiday. There’s acres of beautiful woodland to explore and only a couple of wolf packs to be wary of. Wonder at the sights and sounds of nature like Alluring Arthur the grisly bear who hasn’t eaten a human for almost three weeks so can be approached with confidence. There’s a staggering variety of poisonous plants for those interested in botany, several species of carnivorous trees (as seen in one of our dining rooms), the lesser spotter testicle twister which is only found in this area and a small flock of melon birds (so called because there is nothing they like more than pecking heads).
The local bands of guerillas and armed militant groups can be found wandering almost anywhere in the forest and might not shoot you and steal your legs or kidnap you and hold you for hostage.
All our cabins are well equipped and tastefully decorated in the late 90’s Soviet style.
If you want to stay in the main hotel, all our family rooms are just as well equipped as our cabins boasting such facilities and amenities as; a cold water tap that occasionally provides water that isn’t lumpy and green, mattresses that were sourced from the small town of Ghaniest, which is the bed bug capital of the world so you can be sure you will have some souvenirs to take home to remind you of your stay.
All our family rooms have at least four floorboards, tea and coffee making facilities*, some wallpaper, at least half a window and hardly any sticky patches.
*One used teabag and a rusty spoon.
High roller? Why not book one of our deluxe, first-class rooms for the opulence and luxury you deserve.
Beautifully decorated with only the best furniture, fixtures and fittings, our deluxe rooms are fit for a king, providing it’s the king of Azerbaijan. All our deluxe rooms come complete with a stunning sea view*.
*If you open the window and lean out approximately seven feet, crane your neck to 90 degrees and look past the methylated spirits distillery, you can just about see a little bit of the sea.
All in all, a stay at the Costa Living Holiday Resort is a great alternative to more traditional holidays and, because we are fully subsidised by the government (and by that we mean, you, the taxpayer) we can make a stay at our beautiful resort financially available for everyone. You deserve it. You’ll get exactly what you deserve. And you’ll thank us for it and be happy because if you don’t, we’ll ship you off to the bauxite mines a few miles inland and we’ll see how much you like that!
