The government have published a selection of helpful, money saving tips to help us through the continuing cost of living crisis.
Further to these, oh so helpful, tips and tricks to help the average plebeian survive the greed and highwayman tactics of both the public and private sector, construction has completed on a new government backed holiday resort where the hard-working public can take government subsidised, reasonably priced holidays.
A government spokesperson issued a statement regarding this new Mediterranean based resort which is located on the not quite beautiful Costa Living, near the poverty-stricken town of Nijar in southern Spain.
Jonatony Smiffy-Jacobson-Billingsly-Smythe had the following to say:
“We, in the government, sympathise with the public about the current cost of living crisis. We understand that government ineptitude and the general greed of politicians is largely responsible for the problems faced by the average person. However, while we accept this, we also accept no responsibility for it.
The public cannot just expect elected members of the government to stop receiving grossly inflated salaries, voting for their own massive, bi-monthly pay rises, claiming ridiculous expenses and taking massive payoffs from the private sector to change legislature for their benefit and allow private companies to legally shaft every citizen whenever and however they want.
We, as elected representatives of the people, work very hard and deserve to be correctly compensated for the work we do. I had to work for two whole days last week! Can you imagine that? Two whole hours a day for two days running! The pressure and requirements of this job are huge. I personally believe that we deserve more than we currently get!
We understand that the cattle, ahem, sorry, people are rightfully angry at the way we run things but that doesn’t mean we are going to change anything. Where are we going to get the money to pay for our multiple mansions, chauffeur driven luxury cars and holiday homes? Where does the public think we are going to dine if it’s not Michelin starred restaurants? What does the public expect us to do if we can’t screw them to fund our extravagant lifestyles?
High class prostitutes and grade A Columbian cocaine doesn’t just grow on trees you know!
No. Those of us in actual power, the ones who make the laws and rules the dregs of society are forced to live by, are hardly going to vote to end the status quo are we?
We can’t have the elite, who have all the influence, making laws that help protect the poorer classes and generally make their lives better, happier and fairer, can we? What kind of topsy-turvy world is that? Where the elected representatives of the people are actually concerned about the welfare of the people! What an absurd idea!
While we do not intend to actually make any changes or do anything which would help, we are prepared to give advice to make it look like we are doing something. Besides, the working class are generally of low intelligence and have probably not even considered following the advice we have provided.
With regards to the new holiday resort in Spain; we understand that the working public need to relax and take a break occasionally. As any farmer will tell you, the welfare of your animals is very important and produces profit more effectively.
So it goes with the general public. Happy, rested workers work harder and produce more income for us, the wealthy. It is with this in mind that we moved forward on our plan to build a luxurious holiday complex and provide government subsidised holidays that even the poorest pleb can afford.
That project is now complete, and members of the public can sign up online and take advantage of this amazing new holiday destination.
We estimate, given the projected number of applications, that the waiting list will be relatively short, approximately 5-6 years, and the cost to the average applicant will be small, around a year’s salary based on the minimum wage.
Now we have done all this, we think the public should be happy, stop complaining and get on with paying their taxes so I can buy another Bentley.”
The official advice for the public on how to cope with spiralling costs and the general cost of living crisis follows:
1. Having trouble heating your home? Try turning your heating down a little. It could save you up to 80 pence a week! That will sure make a dent in those other bills you have to pay. Okay, the price of food increases by the same percentage each week so the saving won’t last long but hey, it’s something! If you’re really struggling in the coming winter, turn your heating off completely and just die already. See point 4.
2. Don’t use electricity. As you know Government PLC. have given the energy companies carte blanche to do whatever the fuck they like. We get a nice little cut of all that money, so we were always going to be on their side. This is part 1 of our plan to make electricity only for the wealthy and force all you peasants back to the stone age. If you can’t use all those modern conveniences, you’ll have less time on your hands for demonstrating and complaining. It’s a win-win for us.
3. Eat different foods. Rats and insects are readily available and surprisingly nutritional. Instead of spending your pittance of a wage at the supermarket, catch and kill your own food. Don’t worry about the diseases and stuff, we’ve got the health care system for that. Oh…. Wait…. That will be just for the wealthy soon too. Just cross your fingers and hope for the best!
4. Have you thought about not living? There’s no cost of living if you aren’t alive. Being dead can save you a lot of money which can be used for its proper purpose of lining the pockets of the wealthy. Luxury cars don’t just pop into existence out of nothing you know! You’re actually being very selfish using that money on things like shelter, heat and food for yourselves when you think about it. Millionaires all around the country are driving around in last year’s model of Continental GT and you’re just sitting there stuffing your frozen face with stale, mouldy bread with no thought for their hardship. How do you sleep at night?
We will soon be installing government funded suicide booths in all branches of supermarkets to make shuffling off this mortal coil easy and convenient for all our citizens. See! We do care!
5. Just stop fucking complaining. We’ve all got our own crosses to bear. Just because our crosses are gold plated and carried by a team of plebs we bought from a slave trader doesn’t make it any easier for us. Yet you people are going around shouting and moaning about being cold and hungry! We’re all in this together you know.
