This is my definitive list of the 18 greatest paintings of all time paintered by painterers with paint and sometimes not paint but most likely paint but maybe some snot and tears mixed in there too and possibly, in one notable case, a bit of an ear.
No. 1:
“Wot ‘Appens In My Melon When I listen to R.E.M.’s ‘Green’ on 180g Vinyl Using An Ortofen 2M Red Cartridge.”
When: 1923.
Artist: Vasily (Wassily) Kandinsky.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: Moscow.
Periods: Suprematism, Abstract art.
Current Status: At Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum, New York, USA.
No. 2:
“The Feckin’ Huge Termite Nest and an LSD Pancake.”
When: 1889.
Artist: Vincent van Gogh.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: Netherlands.
Period: Post-Impressionism, Modern art.
Current Status: At The Museum of Modern Art, New York, USA.
No. 3:
“That’ll Teach You For Putting Your Winky In Another Man’s Beer Ya Bass.”
When: 1607–10.
Artist: Caravaggio.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: Italy.
Period: Baroque.
Current Status: At St. John’s Co-Cathedral, Valette, Malta.
No. 4:
“The Night the Waffle Vanished.”
When: 1642.
Artist: Rembrandt van Rijn.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: Rijksmuseum.
Periods: Baroque, Dutch Golden Age.
Current Status: At Amsterdam Museum, Amsterdam (Doh!), The Netherlands.
No. 5:
“Who the Fuck Invited Steve?”
When: 1880–1881.
Artist: Pierre-Auguste Renoir.
Medium: Oil Paint.
Place: France.
Periods: Impressionism, Modern art.
Current Status: At The Phillips Collection, Washington DC, USA.
No. 6:
“That Invisible Frog What Done Did Nicked Me Sausage Roll.”
When: 1840-1926.
Artist: Claude Monet.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: Giverny.
Period: Impressionism.
Current Status: At Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA.
No. 7:
“Dog Shit On My Cummerbund.”
A.K.A.
“It’s Not The Same Since They Replaced the Grass with Astro-Turf.”
When: 1884–1886.
Artist: Georges Seurat.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: France.
Periods: Pointillism, Neo-impressionism.
Current Status: At The Art Institute of Chicago, Chicago (Doh!), USA.
No. 8:
“Chuckin’ Crusty Croissants at Cheeky Cherubim.”
When: 1514.
Artist: Raphael.
Place: Villa Farnesina, Rome.
Period: High Renaissance.
Current Status: Via della Lungara, Rome, Italy.
No. 9:
“Monsieur Montague Got Kicked in the Face.”
When: 1830.
Artist: Eugène Delacroix.
Medium: Oil Paint.
Place: Louvre, Paris.
Period: Rococo.
Current Status: At The Louvre Museum. Paris, France.
No. 10:
“There’s Some Luvvly Filth Down ‘Ere.”
When: 1857.
Artist: Jean-François Millet.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: Paris.
Period: Realism.
Current Status: At Musée d’Orsay, Paris, France.
No 11:
“Nuffin’ Good on Telly These Days.”
When: 1871.
Artist: James Abbott McNeill Whistler.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: United States.
Period: Realism.
Current Status: At Louvre Abu Dhabi, UAE.
No. 12:
“Strike a Light, Shiela’s Norks Popped Out!”
When: 1830.
Artist: Eugène Delacroix.
Medium: Oil Paint.
Period: Romanticism.
Place: Louvre, Paris.
Current Status: At Louvre Museum, Paris, France.
No. 14:
“Napoleon Promising His Troops for the Fifth Time That Maccas Is Just Over the Next Ridge “Honest lads, chop off me nipple and call me Frank if I’m lying.””
When: 1801–1801.
Artist: Jacques-Louis David.
Medium: Oil Paint.
Place: Spain.
Period: Neoclassicism.
Current Status: At Château de Malmaison, Paris, France.
No. 15.
“Millwall, Away.”
When: 1608.
Artist: Peter Paul Rubens.
Medium: Oil Paint.
Place: Antwerp.
Period: Baroque.
Current Status: Lost forever in the mists of time.
No. 16:
“Put Some Fuckin’ Effort In Adam, You Lazy Bastard, I’m Bloody God Dontcherknow! Good Me, I Don’t Know. You Put All the Effort Into Creating A Being From Scratch, Using All Your Best Wibbly Bits and Laggy Bands, And Then He Can’t Even Be Bothered To Reach Out And Touch Your Finger! “Oooh Lord, It’s Too Hard, I Might Sweat Or Burst A Blood Vessel, Can’t We Just Text Message?” Fuck ‘Em, I’m Gonna Make Some More Crabs. At Least Crabs Appreciate Me. This Time I’ll Make One With One Massive Pincher and One Little One, Ha Ha Ha. Wot A Laff. I Kill Me.”
When: 1508-1512.
Artist: Michelangelo.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: Sistine Chapel.
Periods: Renaissance, Italian Renaissance, High Renaissance.
Current Status: At Sistine Chapel, Vatican City.
No. 17:
“Calling Your Teacher ‘Mum’”.
When: 1893.
Artist: Edvard Munch.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: Norway.
Current Status: At National Gallery and Munch Museum, Oslo, Norway.
No. 18:
“I’m Telling You, I’m Not Splitting The Bill, I Only Had A Salad and Jesus Had Fuckin’ Lobster. I Don’t Care If He’s The ‘Son of God’, I’m Not Paying For His Chicken Dippers!”
When: 1495–1498.
Artist: Leonardo da Vinci.
Medium: Tempera, gesso.
Place: Italy.
Period: High Renaissance.
Current Status: At Convent of Santa Maria delle Grazie, Milan, Italy.
No. 19:
“Neil.”
When: 1503.
Artist: Leonardo da Vinci.
Medium: Oil Painting.
Place: France.
Period: High Renaissance.
Current Status: At Louvre Museum, Paris, France.
